Three Tips for the Fatherless on Father’s Day

Technically speaking, everyone has a father. After all, none of us would be here without one. However, the biological fact that everyone has a father doesn’t mean that everyone has a relationship with their dad. Many people report having a wonderful father, while others are estranged from or don't know their father at all. While 69% of people report having a close relationship with their father, 90% say they have a close relationship with their mother. In other words, for a significant portion of the population, Father’s Day can be a complicated holiday. While some are celebrating with gifts, heartfelt posts, and family photos, others may be feeling a sense of loss, hurt, or even betrayal.

If this resonates with you, I hope to offer some comfort this Father’s Day. Before I delve into strategies for coping with a difficult day, let's first examine the concept of “fatherhood” and dispel some myths surrounding the idea that growing up without a father inevitably leads to lifelong mental health struggles. While there’s some truth to this claim, it’s not the whole picture. Understanding the emotional pain associated with Father’s Day can make it easier to address, so let’s start by looking at what research tells us about the role of fathers in child development—and then explore how Father’s Day can become a more manageable, and even healing, experience.

What Does the Research Teach Us About Fathers?

Numerous studies show that fathers play a significant role in their children’s development. Research consistently indicates that children with involved fathers tend to be more emotionally stable, confident, and socially adept. For example, studies have shown that children with active fathers are more likely to perform well in school, exhibit fewer behavioral problems, and develop better emotional regulation (Source: American Psychological Association, 2021). These findings primarily focus on children raised by heterosexual parents, where both parents are emotionally engaged with the child.

However, the narrative that children need both a mother and a father to thrive is not entirely accurate. This myth has been used to push the idea that children raised in nontraditional households—whether by single parents, same-sex parents, or other family structures—are more likely to suffer from issues like substance abuse or emotional instability. But recent research challenges this claim. A study by The American Sociological Association (2020) found that family structure (e.g., two-parent vs. single-parent households) wasn’t as important as the quality of the parental care. As long as children received stable, loving, and responsible care, their emotional and social outcomes were similar across various family types.

In fact, a major review of nontraditional family structures revealed that “the most important predictor of a child’s well-being is not the family type but the quality of parenting” (Source: Child Development Perspectives, 2021). This finding underlines that the presence of nurturing adults—whether in a two-parent (different-sex or same-sex) or single-parent household—is what really matters.

The Truth About Parental Influence: It’s Not About Family Structure Alone

It’s important to recognize that a lack of paternal involvement, whether due to abandonment, absence, or emotional unavailability, can contribute to emotional distress in children and, later, in adults. However, this doesn’t mean that children without fathers are doomed to psychological struggles. The quality of emotional support from all caregivers—whether it’s a mother, grandmother, mentor, or even a close family friend—can provide the foundation for healing and thriving.

Research by The National Institutes of Health (NIH) also underscores that emotional support is key: “A supportive caregiving environment, even from a single parent, can buffer the effects of a father’s absence” (2022). In other words, while fathers matter, the nurturing and emotionally stable relationships with other adults in a child’s life can mitigate the impact of paternal absence.

Three Ways to Heal and Thrive on Father’s Day

If you find yourself struggling this Father’s Day due to the absence of a father figure or a lack of emotional support from your father, I want to extend my deepest empathy. Father’s Day can be a difficult reminder of what was missing, but it can also be an opportunity for healing and growth. Here are three strategies to help you process what you’re going through:

1. Identify What You’re Really Missing

It’s natural to feel sadness or frustration on Father’s Day, but have you taken the time to clarify exactly what you’re grieving? It’s easy to feel a general sense of loss, but a deeper examination might reveal specific emotional needs that went unmet. For example, perhaps you longed for paternal validation or approval but never received it. Maybe you struggle with self-criticism, a pattern that may stem from excessive criticism you received as a child.

Take a moment to identify those specific emotional voids and acknowledge what they mean for your life today. Understanding the precise nature of your grief can help you process it better. Mourning isn’t about self-pity—it’s about fully experiencing your emotions and giving yourself permission to heal. Grief is a necessary step toward emotional resilience—it allows us to accept the past while freeing us to grow beyond it.

2. Seek Out Mentors

As research suggests, paternal love doesn’t have to come from a biological father. Mentors can play a significant role in filling the emotional gaps left by an absent or uninvolved father. Consider the people in your life who inspire you—whether they’re family members, teachers, or friends. Is there an opportunity to spend time with them, to learn from their experiences, or to ask them for guidance?

Sometimes the most unexpected people can provide the nurturing you need. It’s important to remember that mentors don’t have to be male to help you cultivate your sense of identity and emotional well-being. In fact, many people (myself included) have gained valuable insights into masculinity and personal growth through women who served as role models. Be open to the different forms of mentorship available to you—these relationships can help you feel seen and supported, especially on a day that brings up painful memories.

3. Parent Yourself

This might sound a little strange, but hear me out: many of us struggle with the parts of ourselves we don’t like, whether it’s a tendency toward self-criticism, impulsiveness, or past mistakes. These tendencies are often rooted in unmet emotional needs from childhood. One of the most powerful tools for healing is to practice self-compassion, an act of “parenting” yourself.

What does this look like? Just as a caring parent would help a child understand and cope with their behaviors, you can approach yourself with empathy and acceptance. When we treat ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a loved one, we are better able to break free from unhealthy patterns and foster personal growth. Radical acceptance of your imperfections allows for real change and healing. Instead of berating yourself for mistakes, approach your flaws with understanding, which in turn fosters emotional growth and resilience.

Final Thoughts

Father’s Day can be challenging, but remember, there’s more than one way to experience paternal nurturance. Whether through other figures of mentorship, your own internal healing, or seeking professional support, there are many paths to emotional well-being. The key is to allow yourself the space to mourn, to seek out those who can help you heal, and to practice self-compassion as you move forward.

Remember, it's never too late to heal. Our brains and spirits are remarkably resilient, and no matter what the past has been like, you have the ability to thrive.

Happy Father’s Day.