Turning the Holidays Around When They're Hard
Let’s start by busting a common myth about the holidays. For years, people have believed that suicide rates spike between Thanksgiving and Christmas, leading many to think that the holidays are a time of intense depression and loneliness.
The truth is, a study published by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) noted that suicide rates in the U.S. tend to peak in the spring and early summer, with the lowest rates in December. A 2012 study found that there is a noticeable increase in suicides right after Christmas—about 40% higher than usual. This suggests that while the holiday season might offer temporary relief, there’s an emotional "rebound" effect once the festivities are over. For those already struggling emotionally, this post-holiday dip can be hard to cope with.
Why the Holidays Can Feel Hard
So, why does the holiday season seem to trigger a rise in suicides after it’s over? Loneliness is often at the heart of it. A study in Canada found that loneliness and lack of family support were some of the most common stressors for patients treated in psychiatric centers during the holidays. We’re all wired for connection, but during the holidays, when we’re surrounded by images of idealized family moments, loneliness can feel even heavier.
Holiday commercials and movies often portray the perfect family gatherings, leading us to compare our own situations and relationships to an unrealistic standard. But these portrayals rarely reflect reality, and it’s important to remind ourselves not to judge our lives based on them. A 2009 study by Cacioppo even describes loneliness as an “epidemic,” with many people suffering silently, particularly at this time of year.
The truth is, most of us can’t choose our families. Some of us come from backgrounds that are abusive, neglectful, or simply don’t understand us. Maybe you can’t see your family this year, or maybe you’ve lost loved ones. These situations can make the holidays especially difficult, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. The good news, though, is that families can be chosen. You can create meaningful connections with others—relationships that support and nurture you in ways your birth family might not. If you’re feeling the holiday blues because of family struggles or isolation, here are a few things you can try to make this season a bit easier:
1. Grieve What You Don’t Have
Grief is often misunderstood, but it’s a vital part of healing. When we grieve, we’re acknowledging that our emotions and desires matter. Ignoring grief sends the message that our feelings aren’t important. Taking the time to grieve the family or connections we wish we had allows us to process and release those emotions. If we don’t grieve, that sadness can resurface in unhealthy ways later. So, allow yourself to feel sad about the family situation you’re in, or the one you don’t have. It’s okay.
2. Dream About What You Want
This part is fun! If you’re single or living far from family, think about what your ideal holiday would look like. How would you want to celebrate with your future family or chosen community? Even if you’re not there yet, how can you make this holiday season fulfilling in the meantime? A dear friend of mine and I decided to spend Thanksgiving together a few years ago rather than traveling to be with our own families. We invited a few friends to join, and we spent the afternoon dreaming about what we wanted our holiday to look like—complete with pumpkin pancakes and a football game in the park. Honestly, it was one of the best holidays I’ve had to date.
3. Make New Connections
If you’re finding it hard to connect with others over the holidays, take it as an opportunity to change things up. Maybe you’re feeling isolated because you don’t have close relationships right now. It can be frustrating, but the good news is, it’s something you can work on. Start by asking questions. Reach out to a neighbor and ask about their holiday plans, or invite someone over for a simple meal. Building meaningful connections takes time, but it’s worth the effort. And you never know—the connections you create now could lead to more fulfilling holidays in the future.
Give Yourself Grace: It’s Okay Not to Feel Merry
The bottom line is: You don’t have to feel merry and bright this holiday season. There’s no rule saying you have to have a picture-perfect experience. If you’re feeling lonely, disconnected, or sad, that’s valid. What matters is how you choose to embrace this time. Remember, relationships take time and effort to build, and it’s okay if it’s a work in progress.
If you end up spending time alone this holiday season, that’s okay too. It doesn’t mean you’re not lovable or special. It just means you’re in a season of figuring things out. The holidays may not be perfect, but you can still make them meaningful in your own way. Remember, the holidays don't have to look a certain way to be valuable—you have the power to create meaning in whatever form it takes.