Understanding Grief: Stories, Insights, and the Path to Healing
Grief is a universal yet profoundly personal experience. It can be a quiet ache or an overwhelming wave, a reminder of love lost and a testament to the depth of our connections. Yet, grief doesn’t look the same for everyone. Some people navigate loss with a sense of resilience, finding ways to rebuild and move forward, while others find themselves mired in sorrow, unable to imagine a way out. What causes these differences? How can we support one another through the process of grief? As a psychologist, I’ve explored these questions in depth and have talked to academics who study the grief process. In this post, I wanted to share two compelling stories of grief—one marked by profound tragedy and one illuminated by resilience—and the expert insights of Dr. Robert Neimeyer, a leading researcher in the field of grief. I interviewed him a few years ago on this important topic.
Grief’s Devastating Impact: A Family’s Tragedy
In March 2009, Susanna was a teenager living an ordinary life, sharing dreams and laughter with her best friend, Vicky. That world was shattered when Vicky’s older brother, Jason, a college student, died of alcohol poisoning. Jason’s sudden death sent shockwaves through his family. Vicky became consumed by grief, isolating herself in Jason’s car to listen to his favorite music. Her despair deepened into depression, culminating in an attempt to take her own life, which Susanna narrowly intervened to stop. Tragically, Vicky’s anguish persisted, and she died by suicide months later. Her mother, Mary, overwhelmed by the compounded loss of her children, also ended her life within a year.
Reflecting on these events, Susanna described how the family seemed stuck, unable to imagine life without Jason. They idolized him, but this fixation prevented them from moving forward. As Susanna put it, “There was no progress…no moving on.”
Dr. Neimeyer’s research helps shed light on why some people experience such devastating grief. He explains that grief becomes “complicated” when individuals struggle to find meaning after loss. Without a framework to process the tragedy, grief can become a cycle of pain and hopelessness, as it did for Vicky and Mary.
A Story of Resilience: Finding Strength Amid Loss
In stark contrast, Kellie Haddock’s experience of grief tells a different story. Kellie’s life changed forever when a car accident claimed the life of her husband, AJ, and left their infant son, Eli, fighting for his life. In the immediate aftermath, Kellie was overwhelmed by sorrow and fear. Her son’s prognosis was grim: doctors warned he might never walk, talk, or show emotion. The grief felt unbearable. “I couldn’t physically cry hard enough to express the depth of the pain,” Kellie recalled.
Yet, over time, Kellie began to lean on her faith, family, and friends. She allowed herself to feel the full weight of her emotions, embracing the grief rather than avoiding it. “I knew that as I was allowing myself to feel all that pain and enter into the grief, that was part of the process of healing,” she said. Slowly, she found herself changing. Gratitude began to emerge, and she became determined to honor AJ’s legacy by living a life full of meaning and connection.
A decade later, Kellie undertook a project to thank the medical professionals who saved Eli’s life. She tracked down doctors, nurses, and first responders to express her gratitude, culminating in a celebratory event that honored their efforts. Today, Eli is thriving despite his early prognosis, and Kellie’s story stands as a testament to the power of resilience and meaning-making.
What Shapes Our Experience of Grief?
Why do some people, like Kellie, find a way to heal while others, like Vicky and Mary, become consumed by their grief? According to Dr. Neimeyer, resilience often predates the loss. It’s shaped by factors such as a strong support system, spiritual or philosophical beliefs, and the ability to confront difficult emotions.
“Grief is a form of love,” Dr. Neimeyer explains. “It’s the form that love takes after death.” This perspective reminds us that grief isn’t something to fear or avoid. Instead, it’s a natural expression of the bonds we cherish, a testament to the depth of our love for those we have lost.
The Importance of Meaning-Making
A critical aspect of navigating grief is the process of meaning-making—finding ways to understand and integrate the loss into our lives. This involves asking questions like: How do I move forward? How can my life hold value after such a loss?
For Susanna, meaning came through connection and purpose. She chose to study psychology, driven by a desire to help others who are struggling. For Kellie, meaning emerged through gratitude and a spiritual sense of connection to AJ and Eli. Dr. Neimeyer emphasizes that when people are unable to construct a livable narrative around their loss, they risk becoming stuck in complicated grief, which often involves deep depression and hopelessness.
Grieving Well: A Lifelong Journey
Grieving “well” doesn’t mean getting over a loss or forgetting the person who has passed. Instead, it’s about learning to carry the grief differently over time. Dr. Neimeyer explains, “Grief doesn’t stop, but your timeouts from engaging with it grow longer. Over the years, there will be moments when you’re reminded of your loved one, and you feel their absence keenly. That’s not pathological; it’s simply part of the path.”
Kellie echoes this sentiment. “I don’t think I’ll ever finish grieving. There will always be hard days. But that’s part of grieving in a healthy way.”
Building Resilience Through Connection
One of the most hopeful aspects of grief is its potential to deepen our connections—to others, to our own emotions, and even to the person we have lost. Dr. Neimeyer suggests that finding ways to reconnect with our loved ones in new ways can help us heal. This might involve cherishing memories, honoring their legacy, or feeling their presence in everyday life.
Community support is also crucial. People who have strong relational networks—whether through friends, family, or professional therapy—often navigate grief more effectively. As Kellie’s story illustrates, resilience grows when we allow others to help carry our burdens.
Closing Thoughts
Grief touches every life, but it’s not something we have to face alone. Through connection, meaning-making, and self-compassion, we can navigate its challenges and emerge with a deeper understanding of love and life. Susanna’s and Kellie’s stories remind us that even in the face of profound loss, there is hope for healing and renewal.
If you are grieving, know that it’s okay to seek support—whether from friends, family, or a mental health professional. Grief is not a sign of weakness; it’s a reflection of the love we carry for those who have touched our lives. And in that love, we can find the strength to move forward.