Three Problems with Boundaries
Several years ago, I worked for a student organization where we taught college students basic principles of mental health. One topic that often came up was the importance of personal boundaries.
Everyone has at least a basic understanding of what boundaries are, but what do they really mean? Simply put, boundaries are the personal limits and guidelines we set to protect our emotional, physical, and mental well-being. They define where we end and others begin. Most often, we use boundaries in our closest relationships—with family, friends, and coworkers.
People often recognize the need for boundaries when they feel their voices are not heard or when others are imposing decisions on them. Without boundaries, we can feel controlled, powerless, and resentful.
Why Boundaries Matter
Boundaries are essential because they allow us to maintain a sense of autonomy and integrity. They help us manage the dynamics in relationships, ensuring that they are healthy, reciprocal, and supportive. However, many people struggle to establish boundaries at first, and the reasons for this are varied:
They prioritize others' needs over their own.
They lack self-awareness and don't know where to draw the line.
They don't feel they have the right to set limits.
They fear that asserting boundaries might harm their relationships.
They don't know what healthy boundaries actually look like.
While implementing boundaries can be difficult, they are a necessary foundation for healthy relationships. Without boundaries, our lives can become chaotic and unmanageable, often leading to burnout or resentment.
The Dangers of Misunderstanding Boundaries
I’ve seen boundaries taught to students for the first time, and there’s often a moment of realization—a light bulb goes on when they understand that they have the power to set limits and take control of their lives. This can be an empowering feeling. However, just as we can overstep when learning any new skill, I’ve observed students sometimes go overboard when trying to assert their boundaries.
I once witnessed students assert their boundaries in ways that were initially shocking, even though their intentions were good. For example:
“No, I can’t make that appointment. I want to do something else instead.”
“No, I don’t want to have a difficult conversation with you about how I hurt your feelings. It’s my decision if I want to have a conversation like that, and I don’t want to.”
“Sorry, I can’t help you with that event, even though you're overwhelmed. I have other things I want to do.”
At first, I was happy they were learning how to be assertive. But as I observed these interactions, I also became concerned. Many of these students were expressing their boundaries in ways that seemed to undermine meaningful connection. I’ve encountered this in my personal and professional life as well. I’m sure you’ve met individuals who make it difficult to engage with them because of a rigid, self-centered approach to boundaries. These are the kinds of behaviors that can make relationships feel draining rather than enriching.
Healthy Boundaries vs. Self-Centered Boundaries
Boundaries are meant to create a framework for connection—where both parties feel respected, heard, and understood. However, when boundaries are misunderstood or misapplied, they can shift from tools for healthy connection to barriers that block intimacy and growth.
When boundaries are implemented correctly, they typically look like this:
“I’d love to help with that, but I’m already stretched thin. Please ask me again next time.”
“I appreciate your concern about my marriage, but it’s something my partner and I are working through privately, and I’m only sharing the details with a few close friends.”
In both examples, the boundaries are set with respect for others’ needs while protecting personal limits. The goal is not to push people away, but to maintain balance—ensuring there’s space for healthy connections, without overextending oneself.
On the other hand, poorly defined boundaries can sound something like this:
“No, I can’t help with that project. I need my me-time, or I’ll get cranky.”
“Don’t ask me about my marriage or anything personal. It’s none of your business.”
Here, the boundaries are rooted in self-protection, but also self-absorption. They stem from fear or entitlement, not a desire for healthy self-care or meaningful interaction.
The Three Problems with Incorrectly Defined Boundaries
When boundaries are misapplied, they can create significant problems. Here are three of the most common issues:
1. They Prevent Meaningful Connection
Misunderstood boundaries often prevent real community. People who define boundaries from a place of fear or self-centeredness tend to isolate themselves. For example, they may refuse to share personal details or reject requests for help, all in the name of “privacy” or “self-care,” even when sharing or helping wouldn’t jeopardize their well-being.
True boundaries should foster safety, not separation. Comfort and safety are different. Comfort is about avoiding discomfort, while safety involves healthy, reciprocal interaction that allows us to grow. Healthy community challenges us—it calls us to step out of our comfort zones and embrace vulnerability.
2. They Foster Self-Absorption and Entitlement
When we use boundaries as an excuse to avoid unpleasant tasks or requests, we are misusing them. Boundaries are not about avoiding discomfort; they’re about preserving our emotional health and creating space for meaningful connections. Research shows that helping others, even at our own financial expense, can increase both happiness and the quality of relationships.
If we justify avoidance with the phrase “I’m just asserting my boundaries,” we’re not setting limits to protect ourselves; we’re rationalizing laziness or self-interest. This attitude fosters entitlement and weakens the ability to form real, lasting connections.
3. They Make Us Rigid
Boundaries should not be seen as fixed or immovable. Some people, especially those who’ve experienced manipulative or toxic relationships, believe that boundaries must be rigid to protect themselves. While this mindset is understandable, it can lead to inflexibility.
Healthy boundaries should be flexible, allowing for adjustments as relationships evolve. If you find yourself constantly rigid in your interactions—refusing to bend or compromise with loved ones—it’s a sign that your boundaries may be defined incorrectly. Relationships are dynamic and require a balance of flexibility and consistency to thrive.
Conclusion
Boundaries, when understood and applied correctly, help us connect more meaningfully with others, protect our emotional health, and foster healthy, supportive relationships. However, if we misunderstand their purpose and misuse them, they can create barriers to intimacy, personal growth, and genuine connection.
Take a moment to reflect on how you define and implement boundaries in your own life. Are they helping you build stronger relationships, or are they creating walls that keep others at a distance? Redefine boundaries in a way that enhances your ability to connect deeply with those around you, while still maintaining your autonomy.
Remember: boundaries are tools for connection, not isolation. They should serve your well-being, not hinder your ability to relate to others.