Four Questions to Ask Before You Spank Your Child: Rethinking Physical Punishment

As a psychologist who now works primarily with survivors of trauma and abuse, I’ve come to understand how early experiences of physical punishment can sometimes contribute to struggles later in life. While not every adult who was spanked as a child carries long-lasting emotional wounds, for some, those early experiences can leave a deeper mark than we might realize.

This isn’t about villainizing parents who spank—many people raise their children the same way they were raised and believe they turned out “fine.” Instead, I want to offer a different perspective: one that acknowledges the potential long-term impact of physical punishment and encourages parents to consider healthier, more effective forms of discipline.

What Does the Research Say?

Research consistently shows that physical punishment can lead to negative effects on a child’s development. Some of the most common findings suggest that spanking can:

• Increase aggression in children.

• Heighten the risk of anxiety and depression.

• Lead to a greater likelihood of substance use later in life.

• Increase fear-based responses that can interfere with emotional development (Durrant & Ensom, 2012).

That said, not every child who experiences spanking will face these challenges. Many people who were spanked as children grow up without clear signs of harm. Still, considering the potential risks—and the fact that there are more effective and compassionate ways to discipline—it’s worth asking whether spanking is the best choice for your family.

Four Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spanking Your Child

If you’re someone who believes in spanking or finds it tempting in moments of frustration, take a moment to reflect on these questions:

1. Do I struggle to control my anger or frustration?
   Discipline is most effective when it comes from a place of calm, not anger. If you tend to lose control in heated moments, physical discipline could do more harm than good—for both you and your child.

2. Has my child experienced trauma or abuse?
   For children with a history of trauma, physical punishment can reinforce feelings of fear and insecurity. Instead of encouraging better behavior, it can deepen emotional wounds and hinder the trust needed for healthy parent-child bonding.

3. Is my child naturally anxious or easily scared?
   Children with more sensitive or timid temperaments often don’t need physical discipline to understand that they’ve done something wrong. In fact, spanking can overwhelm them emotionally. Alternatives like time-outs, natural consequences, or loss of privileges tend to be more effective and supportive.

4. Is my child under three years old?
   Young children, especially those under three, don’t yet have the cognitive ability to connect their behavior to the consequences of physical discipline. Spanking at this age often leads to confusion and fear rather than learning, as their brains are still developing the capacity to understand cause and effect.

Discipline Should Be About Teaching, Not Punishment

The goal of discipline isn’t just to stop bad behavior—it’s to teach better behavior for the future. Too often, physical punishment focuses on immediate compliance without addressing the underlying reasons behind a child’s actions.

Instead of jumping straight to consequences, try having a conversation with your child. Ask questions like:

• Why did you choose to act this way?

• How did it make you feel?

• What might you do differently next time?

These discussions build trust, encourage critical thinking, and help children learn from their mistakes in a constructive way.

Moving Toward Healthier Discipline

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure of how to manage your child’s behavior, know that you’re not alone. Parenting is tough, and there’s no shame in seeking support or trying new approaches. Moving away from physical discipline doesn’t mean you’re “soft” or letting your child get away with bad behavior—it means you’re making an intentional choice to teach through empathy and connection.

Sometimes breaking generational patterns of discipline requires reflection and courage. But in doing so, you create a more supportive, nurturing environment for your child to grow, learn, and thrive.