Men and Intimacy: Moving Beyond the Loneliness Narrative

Recently, I watched I Love You, Man where Paul Rudd’s character, Peter, finds the love of his life but struggles with one major issue: he doesn’t have close male friends. This leads him to go on a series of “man dates” to find someone worthy of being his best man. As Peter bonds with a man named Sydney, their friendship grows, but it also causes tension with his fiancée. What struck me most about this quirky movie isn’t the humor—it’s the underlying issue that often gets overlooked: men need deep connections with other men.

It’s no secret that men have historically struggled with forming intimate friendships. Yet, this isn’t just about “male loneliness” as it’s often framed. The narrative around male relationships is evolving, and the truth is that many men are searching for something more meaningful than the shallow, task-oriented connections that have traditionally defined male friendships. The need for intimacy, vulnerability, and connection with other men is more relevant today than ever.

In The Friendless American Male, David Smith outlines three stages of male friendships: acquaintance, companionship, and established friendship. Let’s look at how these stages apply in today’s context:

1. Acquaintance: These are the relationships that happen out of convenience—like those formed at work or in your neighborhood. While this is where most men start, the issue is that these friendships often remain surface-level and don’t allow for emotional depth.

2. Companionship: When two men find common ground, their relationship moves to a companionship level, where they actually enjoy each other’s company. Yet, this still falls short in the emotional investment department. Companions are good for casual chats and activities, but they don’t always stand the test of life’s challenges.

3. Established Friendship: This is the rarest form of male friendship. It’s marked by commitment—commitment to working through conflict, sharing emotions, and supporting each other through both highs and lows. It’s a deep, meaningful connection that’s often overlooked because it requires vulnerability and effort.

So why does this matter in 2026? Because the way we connect today has changed. Social media and online communities have made it easier for men to "connect," but often these relationships are shallow and transactional. They can leave men feeling isolated, despite the constant stream of interactions. While online spaces offer opportunities for bonding, they also present the risk of cultivating more superficial connections. But here’s the good news: it's possible to bridge this gap and create authentic, lasting bonds. It just takes intentional effort.

Here are a few steps to help you build those deep, meaningful friendships that so many men are craving:

1. Be intentional in choosing friends: Not every man is ready for deep, committed friendship. Observe how the men in your life deal with conflict, show emotional depth, and support others. Look for those who are willing to go beyond surface-level interactions and are emotionally available.

2. Reach out and initiate: In today’s world, connection doesn’t just happen. You have to make an effort. Make the first move to hang out, check in, or just get together. Don't wait for others to take the initiative.

3. Model vulnerability: Vulnerability doesn’t come naturally to everyone, especially within male friendships. You might need to lead by example. Share your struggles, fears, or even what’s been on your mind lately. You’d be surprised how opening up can shift the dynamic of a friendship and allow for deeper intimacy.

4. Be present and genuinely interested: Men can sometimes be task-focused rather than people-focused. Practice being present in your conversations and show a sincere interest in your friend’s life, challenges, and growth. This builds trust and emotional intimacy over time.

Let’s move beyond the outdated idea of "male loneliness" and focus on building connections that are authentic, emotionally rich, and grounded in vulnerability. True intimacy isn’t just about having a deep conversation every now and then; it’s about being present for each other, engaging openly, and navigating life’s challenges together.

So, I challenge you: take a step towards real intimacy. It might be uncomfortable at first, but the rewards—a deeper, more fulfilling friendship—are totally worth it. Start today. Reach out. Open up. You’ll be amazed at what’s waiting for you.

Four Questions to Ask Before You Spank Your Child: Rethinking Physical Punishment

As a psychologist who now works primarily with survivors of trauma and abuse, I’ve come to understand how early experiences of physical punishment can sometimes contribute to struggles later in life. While not every adult who was spanked as a child carries long-lasting emotional wounds, for some, those early experiences can leave a deeper mark than we might realize.

This isn’t about villainizing parents who spank—many people raise their children the same way they were raised and believe they turned out “fine.” Instead, I want to offer a different perspective: one that acknowledges the potential long-term impact of physical punishment and encourages parents to consider healthier, more effective forms of discipline.

What Does the Research Say?

Research consistently shows that physical punishment can lead to negative effects on a child’s development. Some of the most common findings suggest that spanking can:

• Increase aggression in children.

• Heighten the risk of anxiety and depression.

• Lead to a greater likelihood of substance use later in life.

• Increase fear-based responses that can interfere with emotional development (Durrant & Ensom, 2012).

That said, not every child who experiences spanking will face these challenges. Many people who were spanked as children grow up without clear signs of harm. Still, considering the potential risks—and the fact that there are more effective and compassionate ways to discipline—it’s worth asking whether spanking is the best choice for your family.

Four Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spanking Your Child

If you’re someone who believes in spanking or finds it tempting in moments of frustration, take a moment to reflect on these questions:

1. Do I struggle to control my anger or frustration?
   Discipline is most effective when it comes from a place of calm, not anger. If you tend to lose control in heated moments, physical discipline could do more harm than good—for both you and your child.

2. Has my child experienced trauma or abuse?
   For children with a history of trauma, physical punishment can reinforce feelings of fear and insecurity. Instead of encouraging better behavior, it can deepen emotional wounds and hinder the trust needed for healthy parent-child bonding.

3. Is my child naturally anxious or easily scared?
   Children with more sensitive or timid temperaments often don’t need physical discipline to understand that they’ve done something wrong. In fact, spanking can overwhelm them emotionally. Alternatives like time-outs, natural consequences, or loss of privileges tend to be more effective and supportive.

4. Is my child under three years old?
   Young children, especially those under three, don’t yet have the cognitive ability to connect their behavior to the consequences of physical discipline. Spanking at this age often leads to confusion and fear rather than learning, as their brains are still developing the capacity to understand cause and effect.

Discipline Should Be About Teaching, Not Punishment

The goal of discipline isn’t just to stop bad behavior—it’s to teach better behavior for the future. Too often, physical punishment focuses on immediate compliance without addressing the underlying reasons behind a child’s actions.

Instead of jumping straight to consequences, try having a conversation with your child. Ask questions like:

• Why did you choose to act this way?

• How did it make you feel?

• What might you do differently next time?

These discussions build trust, encourage critical thinking, and help children learn from their mistakes in a constructive way.

Moving Toward Healthier Discipline

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure of how to manage your child’s behavior, know that you’re not alone. Parenting is tough, and there’s no shame in seeking support or trying new approaches. Moving away from physical discipline doesn’t mean you’re “soft” or letting your child get away with bad behavior—it means you’re making an intentional choice to teach through empathy and connection.

Sometimes breaking generational patterns of discipline requires reflection and courage. But in doing so, you create a more supportive, nurturing environment for your child to grow, learn, and thrive.

"Straight Skinny, Gay Fat": How Body Standards Shape—and Shame—Gay Men

“Do you think coming out made your body image issues or eating disorder worse?”

I asked, already knowing the answer. I’ve heard it so many times before.

“Yes, 100%,” he said, without hesitation. The sadness in his voice cut deep.

I felt my chest tighten. It shouldn’t be like this, I thought. Coming out is supposed to bring freedom, not deepen the pain.

But for many gay men I’ve worked with, coming out doesn’t ease the pressure—it turns it up. Our community’s complicated relationship with body image is no secret, but the reasons behind it run deeper than surface-level vanity.

When "Straight Skinny" Isn’t Good Enough

I first noticed this unspoken standard as a closeted teenager watching Will & Grace. In one episode, Will and Jack joked that someone was “straight skinny” but “gay fat.” It was funny on the surface but hit with the weight of an unspoken truth: In gay spaces, being fit isn’t enough—you’re expected to be flawless.

That joke wasn’t just about body size; it was about the expectations placed on gay men to look better than straight men, as if our worth in the community hinged on how “desirable” we appeared. The competition wasn’t just external—it became a constant comparison game within our own circles.

From Brotherhood to Battle: When Community Becomes Competitive

In the early days of LGBTQ+ activism, unity and support were survival tools. But over time, as we fought through oppression, the AIDS crisis, and social stigma, something shifted. Brotherhood became rivalry, and support turned into subtle (or not-so-subtle) competition.

I see it in dismissive glances toward bodies that don’t fit the Instagrammable mold. I hear it in casual remarks shaming femininity, and I read it in the parade of “masc for masc” profiles on dating apps. Instead of lifting each other up, we sometimes push each other down—often without realizing it.

Some competition is inevitable—we date within our own community, after all. Imagine Mean Girls if all those characters were also competing for romantic partners. It would’ve been brutal. For many gay men, the dating pool becomes an arena where friends, frenemies, and potential partners are all opponents in the same relentless body comparison game.

The Hidden Cost of Constant Competition

Rejection leaves scars. Many gay men carry the trauma of being bullied for their identities—called slurs, ridiculed for being "too feminine," or ostracized for simply being different. Once out of the closet, the hunger for acceptance often turns inward, manifesting as a drive for physical perfection.

And when the very community that should provide support reinforces impossible beauty standards, that pressure only intensifies. This isn’t just about working out or looking good; it’s about survival tactics that spiral into harmful obsessions.

Rates of eating disorders and body dysmorphia are significantly higher among gay men than in the general population. Why? Because our bodies have become currency—tokens we use to gain validation, affection, and acceptance.

What Is Your Body Trying to Say?

As a therapist, I’ve learned that our bodies speak the language of our pain. When a client presents with disordered eating or body dysmorphia, I ask myself: What is their body trying to communicate?

For some, a chiseled physique isn’t just about aesthetics—it’s a desperate attempt to fit in. For others, those carefully curated social media posts are cries for validation. Avoiding other gay men who don’t meet certain body standards? That’s often about projecting perfection, masking insecurities that run deep.

Pain doesn’t always look like sadness—it can look like endless gym sessions, restrictive eating, or hyper-curated selfies. Our bodies become the canvas where our emotional scars are painted.

Redefining What Strength Looks Like

I’m not saying we should stop going to the gym or exploring our sexuality. I’m advocating for a healthier relationship with our bodies—one based on self-respect rather than shame or competition.

Imagine a community where we uplift each other, where compliments aren’t reserved for abs and jawlines but also for kindness, intelligence, and emotional resilience. We’ve all fought hard to be here. Shouldn’t we be each other's biggest supporters?

Let’s leave the competition to reality TV. Our real victories come when we learn to love ourselves—and each other—for more than just what’s visible on the surface.

Your body is more than a trophy. It’s your history, your resilience, and your story.

Let’s start listening.

Good Images, Terrible Truths: Why We Still Struggle to Believe Victims

By now, we’ve seen it happen too many times to count: beloved public figures revealed as abusers. From Danny Masterson’s conviction for rape to the allegations against Russell Brand, society has learned that fame, charm, and a polished image can easily mask horrific behavior. We’ve watched powerful men fall from grace and yet, despite these revelations, we still struggle to believe victims.

This disbelief isn’t just about maintaining a cherished memory of a favorite TV show or celebrity. It’s part of a deeper cultural resistance to fully reckoning with abuse. The truth is, even when survivors come forward with credible evidence and share their stories publicly, many people still look for reasons to doubt them. Our political climate is a glaring example of this dissonance: We currently have a convicted rapist in the White House, yet millions continue to support and defend him.

The discomfort and confusion people feel when allegations surface are small reflections of the complex emotions that survivors navigate daily—especially when their abuser is someone they trusted, knew, and even loved. We like to believe that abusers are easy to spot, fitting a clear and obvious mold. But the facts tell a different story: One in three girls and one in five boys will experience sexual abuse in the U.S., and 90% of those children know their abuser. Most of the time, abuse isn’t committed by a stranger but by someone familiar, even admired.

Despite this reality, rape culture persists. It thrives on our unwillingness to fully accept that people we know—or even those in positions of immense power—can cause harm. When we dismiss allegations because the accused doesn’t “seem like that type of person,” we enable systems that protect abusers and silence survivors.

The #MeToo movement cracked open the door, allowing for more public conversations about accountability. Yet the backlash against survivors remains fierce, especially when the accused hold wealth, status, or political influence. High-profile survivors like E. Jean Carroll have faced brutal public scrutiny, even after legal victories that confirmed their experiences.

We must confront the uncomfortable truth: People who seem good are fully capable of doing terrible things. Dismissing accusations outright isn’t just unfair—it perpetuates harm. We need to hold space for survivors, believe their stories, and demand accountability, regardless of who stands accused.

Being victimized is never a choice. Children and vulnerable individuals deserve protection, and we all have a role to play in dismantling the cultural narratives that allow abuse to thrive. If you suspect someone is being harmed, take action. Resources and support are available.

If you’re unsure where to start, contact me. I’m here to help connect you with resources and guidance. Let’s work together to amplify survivors’ voices and challenge the systems that too often protect the powerful at the expense of the vulnerable.

Turning the Holidays Around When They're Hard

Let’s start by busting a common myth about the holidays. For years, people have believed that suicide rates spike between Thanksgiving and Christmas, leading many to think that the holidays are a time of intense depression and loneliness.

The truth is, a study published by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) noted that suicide rates in the U.S. tend to peak in the spring and early summer, with the lowest rates in December. A 2012 study found that there is a noticeable increase in suicides right after Christmas—about 40% higher than usual. This suggests that while the holiday season might offer temporary relief, there’s an emotional "rebound" effect once the festivities are over. For those already struggling emotionally, this post-holiday dip can be hard to cope with.

Why the Holidays Can Feel Hard

So, why does the holiday season seem to trigger a rise in suicides after it’s over? Loneliness is often at the heart of it. A study in Canada found that loneliness and lack of family support were some of the most common stressors for patients treated in psychiatric centers during the holidays. We’re all wired for connection, but during the holidays, when we’re surrounded by images of idealized family moments, loneliness can feel even heavier.

Holiday commercials and movies often portray the perfect family gatherings, leading us to compare our own situations and relationships to an unrealistic standard. But these portrayals rarely reflect reality, and it’s important to remind ourselves not to judge our lives based on them. A 2009 study by Cacioppo even describes loneliness as an “epidemic,” with many people suffering silently, particularly at this time of year.

The truth is, most of us can’t choose our families. Some of us come from backgrounds that are abusive, neglectful, or simply don’t understand us. Maybe you can’t see your family this year, or maybe you’ve lost loved ones. These situations can make the holidays especially difficult, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. The good news, though, is that families can be chosen. You can create meaningful connections with others—relationships that support and nurture you in ways your birth family might not. If you’re feeling the holiday blues because of family struggles or isolation, here are a few things you can try to make this season a bit easier:

1. Grieve What You Don’t Have

Grief is often misunderstood, but it’s a vital part of healing. When we grieve, we’re acknowledging that our emotions and desires matter. Ignoring grief sends the message that our feelings aren’t important. Taking the time to grieve the family or connections we wish we had allows us to process and release those emotions. If we don’t grieve, that sadness can resurface in unhealthy ways later. So, allow yourself to feel sad about the family situation you’re in, or the one you don’t have. It’s okay.

2. Dream About What You Want

This part is fun! If you’re single or living far from family, think about what your ideal holiday would look like. How would you want to celebrate with your future family or chosen community? Even if you’re not there yet, how can you make this holiday season fulfilling in the meantime? A dear friend of mine and I decided to spend Thanksgiving together a few years ago rather than traveling to be with our own families. We invited a few friends to join, and we spent the afternoon dreaming about what we wanted our holiday to look like—complete with pumpkin pancakes and a football game in the park. Honestly, it was one of the best holidays I’ve had to date.

3. Make New Connections

If you’re finding it hard to connect with others over the holidays, take it as an opportunity to change things up. Maybe you’re feeling isolated because you don’t have close relationships right now. It can be frustrating, but the good news is, it’s something you can work on. Start by asking questions. Reach out to a neighbor and ask about their holiday plans, or invite someone over for a simple meal. Building meaningful connections takes time, but it’s worth the effort. And you never know—the connections you create now could lead to more fulfilling holidays in the future.

Give Yourself Grace: It’s Okay Not to Feel Merry

The bottom line is: You don’t have to feel merry and bright this holiday season. There’s no rule saying you have to have a picture-perfect experience. If you’re feeling lonely, disconnected, or sad, that’s valid. What matters is how you choose to embrace this time. Remember, relationships take time and effort to build, and it’s okay if it’s a work in progress.

If you end up spending time alone this holiday season, that’s okay too. It doesn’t mean you’re not lovable or special. It just means you’re in a season of figuring things out. The holidays may not be perfect, but you can still make them meaningful in your own way. Remember, the holidays don't have to look a certain way to be valuable—you have the power to create meaning in whatever form it takes.

Three Ways to Transform Dysfunctional Relationships into Healthy Ones

Relationships are both the best and worst parts of life. Your most cherished and painful memories likely revolve around a relationship—whether it’s the warmth of family holidays or the anxiety of avoiding them, the thrill of dating apps or the fear of rejection. Relationships shape our behaviors in profound ways, often more than we realize.

People matter. And our relationships deeply impact our well-being.

Have you ever sabotaged a relationship because you were afraid of getting hurt? Or clung too tightly to someone, only to push them away? If so, you’re not alone. Research consistently shows that happiness is closely tied to strong interpersonal relationships. The good news? No matter where you fall on the spectrum of relationship satisfaction, change is possible. By understanding how we attach to others and recognizing our patterns, we can build healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Understanding Attachment Styles

The Clinger (Anxious Attachment)

If you feel a surge of panic when someone doesn’t text back immediately, or if you constantly fear abandonment, you might lean toward an anxious attachment style. Deep-seated beliefs fueling this pattern include:

• I am unworthy of love.

• I cannot get the love I need.

• Others will abandon me once they realize I’m not enough.

This attachment style often leads to people-pleasing and emotional dependence, making it difficult to establish healthy boundaries.

The Avoider (Avoidant Attachment)

Think Ebenezer Scrooge—someone who keeps others at arm’s length to avoid vulnerability. Core beliefs here include:

• I am only lovable if I am successful.

• Others will hurt me if I let them in.

• I must rely solely on myself.

Avoidantly attached individuals often struggle with intimacy, leaving their partners feeling unloved and unimportant.

The Secure Connector (Secure Attachment)

The ideal attachment style—secure people are comfortable with emotions, communicate openly, and trust in the stability of relationships. They believe:

• I am worthy of love and connection.

• Others can be relied upon.

• Conflict and disappointment can be repaired.

Research confirms that attachment styles can change. If you’re stuck in unhealthy patterns, here are three practical steps to move toward secure attachment:

1. Identify Your Core Shame Triggers

Many people push others away because of underlying shame—whether it’s fear of rejection, embarrassment, or a secret they’ve worked hard to hide. One man shared this insight with me during therapy once:

“I spent my adolescence hiding that I was gay. I didn’t let people get close because I wanted to control how they saw me. Now, I realize I’ve kept everyone at a distance, and I don’t know how to change.”

If something about yourself feels unlovable, it’s crucial to confront it. Vulnerability, rather than shame, is what truly fosters connection.

2. Stop Playing Games

Manipulative behaviors like giving the cold shoulder, downplaying your feelings, or waiting hours to text back don’t make you look cool—they make you emotionally unavailable. Instead:

• Be direct and honest about your feelings.

• Address conflict openly rather than avoiding it.

• Practice emotional maturity in all interactions.

If someone’s behavior upsets you, talk to them. Genuine relationships thrive on honesty, not mind games.

3. Observe and Learn from Secure People

If healthy relationships feel foreign, start by observing those who navigate them well. Who in your life has strong, loving connections? Pay attention to how they communicate, handle conflict, and express emotions. If you’re feeling brave, ask them for insight over coffee. Learning from others is one of the best ways to rewire old patterns.

Final Thoughts

Transforming your attachment style isn’t easy—there are valid reasons you’ve developed certain defenses. But while those reasons may be understandable, they aren’t sustainable if they keep you from fulfilling relationships.

Be patient with yourself and others. Everyone has a unique attachment style shaped by personality, experiences, and trauma. As Plato wisely said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

And if you’re wondering, is it too late to change? The answer is a resounding no. Growth is always possible.

Lessons from Recent High-Profile Cases: Three Ways to Be an Advocate for Assault Survivors When You Doubt Their Story

Over the past decade, high-profile cases of sexual assault allegations have sparked widespread debate, exposing the challenges survivors face when coming forward. Cases like those involving Amber Heard and Johnny Depp, Trevor Bauer, and false accusations in the #MeToo movement have intensified discussions about credibility, justice, and the importance of believing survivors while maintaining due process.

One of the most harmful outcomes of cases involving inconsistencies or false claims is the reinforcement of the myth that many survivors lie about their experiences. This skepticism contributes to a culture that discourages victims from reporting assaults, fearing they will not be believed. The key takeaway from these cases is not whether an individual lied, but rather that one false report should never be used to invalidate the experiences of countless real survivors.

If someone in your life shares a story of sexual assault, here are three key ways to support them—even if you have doubts:

1. Know the Stats

Misconceptions about false accusations have long fueled distrust in survivors. Some claim that false rape reports are rampant, but rigorous studies suggest otherwise. Research indicates that false reports constitute between 2% and 10% of sexual assault allegations (Lisak et al., 2010). This means that the vast majority—over 90%—of reports are truthful, even if they contain inconsistencies due to trauma.

It’s important to remember that trauma can affect memory recall. Survivors may struggle to recount events in a linear fashion, which can make their testimony seem unreliable. But these inconsistencies do not necessarily indicate deception; rather, they reflect how trauma is processed by the brain.

2. Know the Signs of Trauma Response

Survivors of trauma often recall events in fragmented ways. Neuroscience has shown that during traumatic events, the brain’s prefrontal cortex (responsible for logic and verbal ability) is impaired, while the amygdala (which encodes emotional memories) remains active. This means survivors may vividly remember sounds, smells, or sensations but struggle to recount details in a chronological order.

This is why some survivors may:

• Appear unemotional or disconnected while recounting their story

• Struggle to provide a detailed, linear account of events

• Change minor details over time as memories resurface

Instead of focusing on inconsistencies, consider asking sensory-based questions such as: “What do you remember smelling during the event?” or “What sounds stood out to you?” These questions align with how trauma memories are stored and can help survivors recall critical details.

3. Know When to Seek Objective Help

If you’re a friend, family member, or professional hearing a survivor’s story, recognize your limitations. Your role is not to be an investigator but a source of support. Encourage survivors to seek professional help from trauma-informed therapists who can help them process their experiences in a safe and structured way.

For those in law enforcement or the legal system, working with trauma experts can ensure questioning techniques are survivor-centered and avoid reinforcing harmful biases. The legal system’s handling of sexual assault cases often fails survivors when investigators lack trauma-informed training.

The Bigger Picture

Recent high-profile cases should not deter us from believing survivors. Each case is unique, and while due process is crucial, skepticism should not default to disbelief. Survivors who bravely share their stories deserve to be met with compassion, understanding, and support.

If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault and is seeking help, reach out to trained professionals or advocacy organizations. Healing is possible, and support is available.

When is My Child’s Sexual Exploration Unhealthy?

Many parents assume that their children only begin to develop sexuality during adolescence. However, children are born with a natural curiosity about their bodies and those of others. While their sexual development remains largely latent during early childhood, it often manifests in ways that parents may not expect. Because children may not yet have the language to articulate their experiences, it’s important for parents to understand what is typical and when to be concerned.

Understanding Childhood Sexual Exploration

Children are naturally curious about their bodies, but the extent of their sexual knowledge and behavior depends on several factors, including their age, environment, and what they observe or are taught. Sexual exploration is a normal part of development, though the way it presents varies by age:

• Infants and Toddlers (0-4 years old) often engage in behaviors such as touching their genitals, wanting to observe adults in the bathroom, or displaying immodest behavior. These actions are typically normal and stem from curiosity rather than any deeper understanding of sexuality.

• Young Children (4-6 years old) begin noticing differences and similarities between their bodies and those of their peers. This can lead to activities like “playing doctor” or mimicking adult behaviors like kissing or holding hands.

• School-Age Children (6-12 years old) may continue engaging in curiosity-driven exploration with peers. This can sometimes involve mutual touching, which can be unsettling for parents. However, in most cases, this behavior is typical and part of natural sexual development.

What Constitutes “Normal” Childhood Sexual Play?

According to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN), typical childhood sexual exploration generally:

• Occurs between children who know each other well and play together regularly

• Happens between children of a similar age and physical size

• Is spontaneous and unplanned

• Happens infrequently

• Is voluntary (both children agree to the behavior)

• Stops easily when parents intervene and explain boundaries

When to Be Concerned: Signs of Unhealthy Sexual Behavior

While most childhood sexual exploration is harmless, certain behaviors may signal a deeper concern, such as exposure to inappropriate material or possible abuse. Red flags include:

• Sexual behavior that is significantly beyond a child’s developmental stage (e.g., a young child attempting to engage in adult-like sexual acts)

• Actions that involve threats, aggression, or coercion

• Interactions between children of significantly different ages (e.g., a 12-year-old engaging in sexual play with a 5-year-old)

• Behaviors that cause distress, anxiety, or shame in the child involved

How to Talk to Your Child About Sexual Behavior

If you notice concerning behavior, it’s essential to stay calm and approach the conversation with curiosity rather than fear. The NCTSN suggests asking open-ended questions such as:

• “What were you doing?”

• “How did you get the idea?”

• “How did you learn about this?”

• “How did you feel about it?”

Discussing sexuality with your child can be uncomfortable, but creating a safe and non-judgmental space is key to guiding them toward healthy understanding. You can build connection by using empathy and age-appropriate vulnerability. For example: “I understand why you would be curious about your sibling’s body. I was curious about other people’s bodies when I was a child too. Can you tell me how you got the idea to look while they were changing?”

The Parent’s Role in Guiding Healthy Development

As a parent, your guidance is crucial in shaping your child’s attitudes and behaviors around sexuality. Trust your instincts—if something feels off, don’t hesitate to seek professional support. Creating an open dialogue about bodies, boundaries, and respect will help your child navigate their natural curiosity in a healthy and appropriate way.

For more information, visit the National Child Traumatic Stress Network’s resource on sexual development and behavior in children.

The Problem of Evil and 5 Ways You Can Build Resilience to It

As Halloween approaches, decorations and products encouraging us to celebrate all things frightening and ghoulish fill the stores. It’s a time to reflect on the demonic and scary. We flock to movie theaters to watch tales of serial killers, demonic possessions, and other eerie stories of haunted things. We dress up as witches and monsters and send our kids door-to-door in horrifying costumes to collect candy. It’s a peculiar holiday when you stop to think about it.

This season has sparked some thoughts about our fascination with evil. Even in everyday life, we’re confronted with reports of brutal and savage acts—like the recent murders and attacks by terrorist groups. How can some people treat others with such cruelty, even seeming to relish it?

As a psychologist, I specialize in working with survivors of some of the darkest atrocities imaginable—sexual and physical abuse, rape, school shootings, and neglect. But despite this, evil still unsettles me. And yes, it scares me.

Evil is a complicated idea, difficult for many to comprehend. In studying evil, we gain valuable insights into the human experience, the depths of our capacity for both cruelty and kindness. An influential psychologist from the 1970s, Dr. Philip Zimbardo, revealed unsettling truths about evil in a now-infamous experiment. His work, though still referenced today, has faced increasing scrutiny in recent years. Zimbardo’s findings continue to offer insights, though with some important considerations. Let’s dive into both the “bad news” about evil, as well as what we can learn to cultivate resilience in the face of it.

The Bad News About Evil: It Lives in All of Us

In 1971, Dr. Philip Zimbardo conducted the Stanford Prison Experiment (SPE) to study the psychological effects of power within a simulated prison setting. He randomly assigned college students to the roles of either guards or prisoners. Over the course of the experiment, the guards began exhibiting increasingly abusive behaviors toward the prisoners. These acts escalated from dehumanizing verbal abuse to physically and sexually humiliating the prisoners. Zimbardo’s shocking conclusion was that ordinary people, when placed in certain environments, are capable of behaviors they might never have imagined.

While Zimbardo’s findings were initially groundbreaking, recent revelations about the experiment have called into question its ethical rigor and conclusions. New research suggests that Zimbardo and his team were more involved in shaping the outcome than originally claimed. For example, Carlo Prescott, who consulted on the experiment, later admitted that the guards were coached to act abusively, meaning the behavior wasn’t as spontaneous as Zimbardo initially suggested. In addition, a 2024 documentary revealed manipulation and premeditation within the experiment, with participants expressing doubts about the authenticity of the conclusions drawn. These revelations complicate our understanding of Zimbardo’s findings, reminding us that even well-intentioned psychological studies can have flaws.

In a similar vein, we witnessed the abuse of detainees at Abu Ghraib prison by U.S. military personnel in 2004. These acts of sadistic torture were photographed and shared worldwide. Some of the images show soldiers grinning while Iraqi detainees suffer—an unsettling contrast to the image of "good soldiers."

The discovery of these crimes led to significant investigations. Zimbardo himself was called upon as an expert witness, where he argued that it was not simply “bad apples” who committed these acts, but a “bad barrel” —meaning the environment and circumstances had an immense influence on people’s behavior. This view highlighted how ordinary people, when placed in toxic, dehumanizing environments, may commit extraordinary acts of evil.

The Good News About Evil: You Can Choose Not to Listen

It’s a sobering thought that all of us possess the capacity for evil. Yet, there is hope. Zimbardo’s research also sheds light on how, under similar circumstances, some individuals act with great heroism instead of cruelty.

Take the example of Private Joe Darby, a U.S. soldier who, upon witnessing the abuse at Abu Ghraib, chose to blow the whistle. His decision to act against the evil he saw helped bring an end to the torture and launched investigations into the crimes. His courage highlights a fundamental truth: we all have the power to choose how we respond, even in the most harrowing circumstances.

Similarly, when Zimbardo himself watched the behavior of the guards in the Stanford Prison Experiment spiral out of control, he was initially desensitized to the cruelty. However, his girlfriend, Christina Maslach, visiting the experiment, was horrified by what she saw and demanded Zimbardo shut it down. She played a pivotal role in halting the experiment, reminding us that moral clarity often comes from those who step outside the situation and see it for what it truly is.

Both examples demonstrate that even in environments conducive to evil, we can choose heroism. The question is, how do we make those choices? The key lies in building resilience to evil and nurturing our sensitivity to goodness.

5 Ways to Build Resilience to Evil

1.     Practice Seeing Human Faces
In our fast-paced world, it’s easy to see others as mere objects—checkout clerks, servers, or coworkers. Instead, practice recognizing their humanity. Make eye contact, smile, and use their names in conversation. Remember, they too have hopes, dreams, and challenges. A simple interaction can remind us of our shared humanity, even with those we may find difficult.

2.     Practice Gratitude
Gratitude isn’t just about feeling thankful—it’s linked to better physical health, improved mental well-being, and more compassionate behavior. Research shows that regularly practicing gratitude can reduce aggressive impulses when provoked. Make it a habit to express your gratitude to others and reflect on what you appreciate in your life.

3.     Be Aware of the Situation
Certain environments can encourage us to act selfishly or unkindly. Zimbardo’s experiment and the events at Abu Ghraib show how toxic situations can draw out the worst in us. Take stock of the environments in your life that drain your compassion and avoid them when possible. Protect your own well-being by choosing healthier surroundings.

4.     Look for the Helpers
In times of tragedy—whether a school shooting, a terrorist attack, or any large-scale disaster—news reports often focus on the negative. However, there are individuals who step up to help. Mr. Rogers encouraged the children watching his program to “look for the helpers” when they saw scary things on the news. In tragedy, there are always people who donate blood, provide comfort, or offer resources to the affected. In these moments, look for the helpers, and remind yourself of the good that can emerge from dark situations.

5.     Reframe Your Definition of a Hero
Heroes are not just those with superhuman abilities; they are everyday people who act courageously when they see something wrong. Heroes can be teachers who protect children from bullies, or workers in challenging environments who stand up for fairness. By broadening our understanding of heroism, we can cultivate these qualities in ourselves and others.

Final Thoughts

As Zimbardo’s research revealed, the environment and situation can significantly influence our behavior. But we also have the power to choose how we respond to that influence. We can build resilience to evil by making intentional choices that cultivate kindness and empathy. Let history teach us as we navigate today’s complex and often troubling world.

Remember Carl Rogers’ words: “When I look at the world, I am pessimistic, but when I look at people, I am optimistic.”

You, my friend, are capable of so much good. Now go do something with it.

Why the Pressure to Be Perfect is Hurting Gay Men

I still remember the day in first grade when a classmate called me "gay" on the playground. We ended up having a meeting with our teacher about it. Even though I was just six years old, I somehow knew that being called “gay” wasn’t a compliment. It was an accusation. A reminder that I was different, and being different was something to be ashamed of.

Back then, I wasn’t interested in playing sports during recess like the other boys. Instead, I gravitated toward the girls who played games like “Teenagers” — pretending to be older and doing things that seemed so much more fun than shooting hoops. But in the eyes of the other boys, my interests weren’t “normal,” and that was a problem. I quickly learned to suppress my natural inclinations to avoid ridicule. I told myself things like:

• Don’t cross your legs while sitting.

• Don’t let your wrists go limp.

• Don’t talk about the things you love—like coloring or writing skits.

• Don’t cry when something hurts.

• Don’t wear any colors that could be considered “feminine.”

I even tried to get into sports, even though I didn’t really enjoy them. But when you’re just a kid, trying to fit in means trying to reshape yourself, to make sure you’re not a target for teasing.

For many gay men, this story feels familiar. Most of us had a rough time growing up, especially in a world that wasn’t always kind to people who didn’t fit into conventional molds. We were told, directly or indirectly, that we weren’t “enough” — not masculine enough, not “normal” enough, and that there was something wrong with us for not meeting the standard. As we entered adulthood, this internalized shame often stuck with us.

The toll of this rejection is evident. Studies consistently show that gay men face higher rates of mental health struggles, such as depression, anxiety, and body dysmorphia. The pressure to conform to societal ideals, compounded by years of internalized shame, manifests in many ways.

One way this pressure plays out in the gay community is through Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), a condition in which someone becomes preoccupied with perceived flaws in their physical appearance. BDD often leads to excessive workouts, mirror-checking, or extreme dieting — behaviors that many gay men are familiar with. It’s no secret that physical appearance plays a huge role in the gay community. We often categorize ourselves and each other based on body types: twinks, otters, bears, and more. But despite this diversity, there remains a dominant physical ideal. And, if you were to ask many gay men what that ideal looks like, the answer would likely be someone who looks like Zac Efron — muscular, chiseled, and “perfect.”

Interestingly, even Zac Efron’s straight co-star from a few years ago, Seth Rogen joked that the actor “looked like something a gay guy designed in a laboratory.” While Rogen’s comment was made in jest, it highlights the way that certain body types — the lean, muscular ideal — have become so ingrained in the gay community’s perception of attractiveness.

This obsession with physical perfection isn’t without reason. Being raised in an environment where we were constantly told we didn’t measure up to the masculine ideal creates a deep sense of insecurity. That insecurity fuels the drive to overcompensate in whatever ways we can, and for many gay men, one of the most controllable ways to do this is through physical transformation.

When you grow up experiencing rejection, as many gay men do — whether through bullying, exclusion, or social marginalization — the need for acceptance becomes overwhelming. And since changing your personality or interests may feel impossible, the body becomes the easiest and most tangible way to seek validation. Hours spent in the gym, extreme dieting, and obsessing over every aspect of your physical appearance can provide momentary relief from that deep, nagging fear of rejection. At least for a while, it’s something we can control. And in a community that has faced so much rejection, that sense of control feels empowering.

But this constant pursuit of a “perfect” body is not the answer. It may provide short-term validation, but it doesn’t address the root of the problem: self-hatred, shame, and the emotional scars left by years of feeling “not enough.” When physical attractiveness becomes the primary source of self-worth, the entire community suffers. We pit ourselves against one another, competing for attention and affection based on something that is ultimately superficial.

A few years ago, Buzzfeed writer Louis Peitzman published a piece called It Gets Better, Unless You’re Fat, in which he expressed the pain of being an overweight gay man who didn’t fit the community’s ideal. He shared how he had been rejected and marginalized, not because of his personality or worth as a person, but because of his physical appearance. "The truth is, the gay community isn’t interested in embracing overweight people because we’re a blemish on the image of perfection,” Peitzman wrote. “It doesn’t get better for us.”

These issues run deep. Many gay men struggle with internalized body shaming, which only serves to perpetuate the cycle of self-rejection and unhealthy coping mechanisms. A perfect body may distract us from our inner turmoil, but it won’t heal the pain. And in the long run, it harms both ourselves and our community.

In a recent blog post I read recently, one gay man even tried to justify the prevalence of body dysmorphia in our community by suggesting that the pressure to maintain a “fit” body leads to better health and more wardrobe options. While this may sound humorous, it’s also a reflection of the emotional detachment that many gay men use to avoid confronting their deeper issues. The reality is that body dysmorphia and unhealthy perfectionism are symptoms of a larger problem: the inability to truly process emotions and confront the shame and insecurity we carry from a lifetime of rejection.

It’s time for us to face the truth — we are not our bodies. Our worth is not defined by the number of reps we can do at the gym or the way we look in a shirtless selfie. If we want to be truly healthy, we need to start by addressing our emotional wounds.

Here are a few steps we can take to begin healing:

1. Learn to process emotions: To start healing, it's essential to learn how to process our emotions in healthy ways. It might sound simple, but emotional awareness and regulation are crucial for building strong mental health. Books like The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk offer valuable insights into understanding and processing our emotions. They explore how unprocessed feelings show up in our lives and guide us in developing emotional resilience. Therapy, whether individual or group, remains a powerful tool for helping us dig deeper into our past and understand how it impacts our present. If therapy is out of your budget right now, self-guided workbooks like Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life are great options.

2. Make intentional choices: Pay attention to the people and environments that trigger your insecurities. Are there certain places or people who make you feel bad about yourself? Take a moment before entering those spaces and practice self-acceptance. Meditation apps like Headspace can be a good starting point for building emotional resilience.

3. Stop perpetuating the cycle: It’s time to stop shaming others. Don’t nitpick people’s appearances or judge others based on their bodies. The beauty of the LGBTQ+ community lies in its diversity, and it’s essential that we celebrate that. We need to stop reinforcing the very standards that make so many of us feel inadequate.

It’s easy to ignore the challenges that exist within our own community, especially after all the progress we’ve made toward equality. But it’s crucial that we take a hard look at the ways in which we hurt ourselves and each other. We can’t keep hiding behind a perfect body. We need to come out of this new “closet” of shame and start embracing vulnerability, authenticity, and self-compassion.

So, let’s stop obsessing over the ideal body and start focusing on the things that really matter — our mental health, our relationships, and our ability to be kind to ourselves and to each other. It’s time for change. Let’s make the gay community a place where everyone, no matter their size or shape, can feel loved and valued.

And one last thing: If you’re going to post a selfie, go ahead and show off your smile, not just your abs.

Recognizing the Signs of Suicide

Suicide remains a critical public health issue in the United States. In 2023, approximately 49,300 individuals died by suicide, a slight decrease from the 49,500 cases reported in 2022. This positions suicide as the 11th leading cause of death nationwide. Notably, firearms were involved in 55% of these cases.

Recognizing the Signs of Suicide

Understanding and identifying the warning signs of suicide can be pivotal in prevention efforts. Common indicators include:

• Previous suicide attempts: A history of attempts significantly increases the risk.

• Verbal expressions: Statements like "I wish I were dead" or "Life doesn't matter anymore."

• Behavioral changes: Increased risk-taking or withdrawal from social interactions.

• Personal affairs: Giving away prized possessions.

• Substance use: Escalation in alcohol or drug consumption.

• Social isolation: Distancing from friends and family.

• Diminished interest: Loss of enthusiasm for previously enjoyed activities.

• Self-harm: Engaging in behaviors like cutting or burning oneself.

• Neglecting self-care: Disregard for personal hygiene or appearance.

• Appetite or weight fluctuations: Significant changes in eating habits or body weight.

It's essential to approach these signs with empathy and concern. Engaging in open conversations about mental health can make a profound difference.

How to Intervene When You Suspect Someone is Suicidal

If you observe these warning signs, consider the following steps:

1. Ask Directly

Initiate a candid conversation about their feelings. Research indicates that discussing suicide openly does not increase the risk; instead, it can provide relief and a pathway to seek help.

Examples:

• "I've noticed you've been going through a tough time. Are you thinking about ending your life?"

• "Some of your recent comments have me worried. Are you considering suicide?"
  
  

1. Explore Their Feelings

Encourage them to share their reasons for both wanting to die and to live. Listening without judgment can help them feel understood and less isolated.

A helpful question might be: "Do you want to end your life, or do you wish to stop the pain you're experiencing?"

1. Remove Access to Means

If they have a specific plan, assist in limiting access to the intended method. For instance, if they mention using firearms, ensure they are stored securely or temporarily removed from the home.

1. Provide Resources

Connect them with professional support. In the U.S., the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline offers 24/7 confidential assistance. Individuals can call or text 988 to reach trained counselors.

Additional resources include:

• National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH): Offers comprehensive information on suicide prevention and mental health support.

• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): Provides resources and support for those struggling with mental health and substance use issues.

After these initial steps, it's crucial to involve mental health professionals for ongoing support and intervention.

Being Present Matters

Your presence and willingness to engage can be life-saving. Regularly check in with loved ones, especially those who exhibit signs of distress. Simple acts of kindness, active listening, and expressing genuine concern can make a significant impact.

Remember, fostering open dialogues about mental health and suicide reduces stigma and encourages those in need to seek help.

Beyond Fear: Two Steps to a Better Conversation About Mental Health

Over the past decade, mental health has been at the forefront of public discourse, often in response to tragic events. We’ve seen mass shootings, high-profile suicides, and acts of violence linked—sometimes inaccurately—to mental illness. When tragedy strikes, conversations about mental health often follow, but unfortunately, they are frequently rooted in fear, stigma, and misinformation rather than empathy and understanding.

When people do scary or harmful things for reasons we don’t understand, it’s natural to feel afraid. Fear often drives us to seek simple explanations, and all too often, that means reducing complex mental health issues to dangerous stereotypes. But what if we took a different approach? What if, instead of fear, we responded with curiosity? Instead of stigma, we turned to understanding?

To truly grasp mental health, we need two key ingredients: empathy and accurate information.

Step 1: Lead with Empathy

When something frightens us, it’s often because we don’t understand it. One of the most powerful ways to reduce fear is to seek out understanding—to get close to the experiences of others rather than recoiling from them. This requires genuine curiosity, openness, and a willingness to ask thoughtful, compassionate questions.

In the wake of tragedies linked to mental health, we often hear stigmatizing statements like:

• “People with mental illness shouldn’t have high-responsibility jobs. It’s too risky.”

• “Suicide is the most selfish thing someone can do.”

• “We need to lock up people with schizophrenia to make the world safer.”

These statements don’t reflect the reality of mental health. Instead, they serve to push difficult emotions away, making complex situations seem simpler than they actually are. Empathy, however, takes the opposite approach—it seeks truth rather than blame.

Empathy sounds like this:

• “I wonder what people struggling with mental illness find most helpful?”

• “I don’t understand how depression can lead to suicide. Maybe I should ask someone who has experienced it.”

• “Are people with mental illness actually more violent, or is that a misconception?”

By asking these kinds of questions, we open ourselves up to deeper understanding and genuine connection. Research has shown that engaging with people who have lived experience of mental illness reduces stigma and increases compassion. The more we learn, the less we fear.

Step 2: Get the Facts

Misinformation about mental health is pervasive. Many widely held beliefs about mental illness are not supported by research, yet they continue to shape public perception. Let’s address a few of these myths with evidence-based facts.

Myth: People with schizophrenia are violent and dangerous.

Fact: The vast majority of individuals with schizophrenia are not violent. Studies consistently show that people with serious mental illnesses are far more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators (Swanson et al., 2015). The risk of violence only increases when mental illness is combined with substance abuse—just as it does for the general population.

Myth: Suicide is a selfish act.

Fact: People who die by suicide often feel like a burden to their loved ones, not realizing that their presence is valued. Depression and other mental illnesses can distort thinking, making suicide seem like a logical or even altruistic choice (Joiner, 2005). Suicide prevention efforts emphasize that reaching out and showing support can be life-saving.

Myth: Mental illness makes people unfit for work.

Fact: Many people successfully manage mental health conditions while excelling in their careers. With appropriate treatment and workplace support, individuals with mental illnesses contribute meaningfully across all industries. High-profile advocates like Olympian Simone Biles and actor Ryan Reynolds have openly discussed their struggles with anxiety and depression while continuing to achieve excellence in their fields.

For accurate mental health information, reliable resources include the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and Mind (UK). These organizations provide research-backed guidance on mental health conditions, treatments, and ways to support loved ones.

Putting It All Together

Empathy and good information are the foundation of a healthier, more accurate understanding of mental health. They allow us to see beyond the stereotypes and into the lived experiences of real people. They help us recognize that mental illness is not a character flaw, a choice, or a sign of weakness—it is a health condition, one that can be managed and treated with proper care and support.

If you want to make a difference, start by listening. Practice saying words like depression, suicide, and anxiety without discomfort. Engage in conversations about mental health. Check in on friends and family who might be struggling. Become a person others can trust to listen without judgment.

As author and leadership expert Margaret Wheatley reminds us, “Listening is a holy act.” Let’s practice holy listening—pay attention, ask good questions, and commit to seeing the full humanity in those who live with mental health challenges.

Because when we listen with empathy and learn with curiosity, we replace fear with understanding—and that is the first step toward meaningful change.

The Religion Debate: Is It Helping or Hindering Mental Health?

Gun control, immigration, and terrorism are just some of the divisive topics that dominate political and social discourse. While these issues often take center stage, there’s another debate that continues to simmer beneath the surface: Is religion beneficial or harmful to mental health?

Recent events show how religious beliefs can be both a source of comfort and a catalyst for conflict.

In 2023, religious extremism was cited as a driving factor in numerous global conflicts, including attacks on religious minorities in India and ongoing violence in the Middle East. In the U.S., debates over LGBTQ+ rights and reproductive healthcare often intersect with religious beliefs, influencing policies that shape the lives of millions. Some religious leaders continue to support harmful conversion therapy practices, despite overwhelming evidence that they contribute to depression, anxiety, and suicide risk.

At the same time, spirituality and religious practices have been linked to numerous mental health benefits. Prayer, meditation, and faith-based communities provide emotional support, a sense of purpose, and coping mechanisms during difficult times. So, does religion help or hurt mental well-being? The answer isn’t straightforward—it depends on the beliefs and structures within religious communities.

The Psychological Effects of Religion

Studies show mixed results regarding the impact of religion on mental health. Research from the American Psychological Association indicates that religious participation often correlates with lower levels of stress, increased life satisfaction, and a greater sense of belonging. Meditation and prayer activate brain regions responsible for emotional regulation, while faith in a higher power can provide reassurance during crises.

However, other studies highlight the potential harms of religious belief, particularly in rigid or fear-based religious environments. People who view God as punishing or judgmental are more likely to experience paranoia, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors. Religious trauma, often caused by strict religious upbringings or exclusionary practices, has been increasingly recognized in the mental health field. Individuals who leave high-control religious groups often struggle with identity crises, guilt, and post-traumatic stress symptoms.

Key Factors That Influence Mental Health

The impact of religion on mental health largely depends on how one perceives their faith and religious community. Consider the following questions to evaluate whether your religious beliefs are supporting or hindering your well-being:

1. What is your primary view of God?

   • If your perception of God is primarily fear-based, you may be at greater risk for psychological distress. Believing in a loving and compassionate higher power is generally associated with better mental health outcomes.

2. Does your religious group emphasize love and acceptance or exclusion and punishment?

   • Faith communities that foster inclusivity, compassion, and social support tend to enhance mental well-being. In contrast, those that focus on strict rules, fear, and punishment can contribute to anxiety and depression.

3. How do you feel after religious services or interactions?

   • If you leave religious gatherings feeling inspired, peaceful, or comforted, your faith may be a positive force in your life. However, if you feel tense, guilty, or fearful, your religious environment may be detrimental to your mental health.

Moving Toward a Healthier Relationship with Faith

If you find that your religious beliefs or community are negatively affecting your mental health, consider seeking support. Many therapists specialize in religious trauma and spiritual counseling. Engaging with progressive faith communities, interfaith dialogue, or personal spiritual practices like meditation can help you cultivate a more balanced and nurturing relationship with faith.

Ultimately, religion should be a source of healing, connection, and meaning. By aligning with teachings and communities that promote love, empathy, and personal growth, you can ensure that your spiritual beliefs contribute to—not detract from—your mental well-being.

Understanding Stress in Gay and Bisexual Men: Insights from Dr. John Pachankis

I sat down with Dr. John Pachankis, a psychologist and one of the world’s leading experts on LGBTQ+ mental health (and my former boss) to better understand something I often observe in my gay male clients: the stress they experience from their own community and how that impacts their mental health. Gay and bisexual men navigate a complex landscape of stressors—both from the broader society and from within their own communities. Pachankis has conducted extensive research to understand the unique pressures that shape the well-being of gay and bisexual men. His findings reveal how stress manifests in this population and the ways in which stigma can obscure its true source.

The Layers of Minority Stress

Minority stress refers to the unique stressors that gay and bisexual men experience beyond what heterosexual men face. These stressors begin early in life and can persist across the lifespan. Some of the most common include:

• Chronic anxiety about rejection – Many gay and bisexual men develop a hypersensitivity to how others perceive them, often expecting rejection even in neutral situations.

• Concealment of sexual orientation – Social and cultural pressures can make it difficult for individuals to live openly, leading to psychological distress.

• Discrimination, victimization, and bullying – These experiences, especially in youth, contribute to long-term mental health struggles.

While external stigma is well-documented, Dr. Pachankis’ research also highlights a significant but often overlooked source of stress: intraminority stress—the stress that gay and bisexual men experience in their social and sexual interactions with each other.

The Complexity of Minority Stress

Many gay and bisexual men report that some of their most persistent sources of stress come from interactions within the LGBTQ community. This does not mean the community itself is pathological but rather that stressors emerge from:

1. Amplified Social and Sexual Pressures

   • Unlike straight men, who primarily compete for status in heterosexual spaces, gay and bisexual men often find themselves both the subject and object of status competition within a homogenous group. This can intensify pressures around appearance, social standing, and desirability.

2. The Internalization of Homophobic Stereotypes

   • Stereotypes about gay men being “catty,” hypersexual, or image-obsessed can become internalized and acted out within the community. This creates an environment where men feel they must conform to limited roles dictated by societal perceptions.

3. The Collective Impact of Early Life Stress

   • Many gay and bisexual men grow up experiencing rejection or anticipating discrimination. When a large number of individuals with these early experiences come together, their collective anxieties can magnify, creating an environment where distrust and status anxiety thrive.

The Role of Bisexual Men in Mental Health Disparities

One of the most striking findings from Dr. Pachankis’ work is that bisexual men experience the greatest mental health disparities, particularly in depression, anxiety, and substance use disorders. These disparities appear to be driven by unique challenges bisexual men face, such as:

• A lack of acceptance from both heterosexual and gay communities

• Higher rates of identity concealment

• Persistent invalidation of their sexual orientation

Interestingly, by older adulthood, the mental health gap between gay and straight men diminishes, potentially because mental health in the general population declines over time, while LGBTQ individuals develop stronger resilience.

The Importance of Community and Resilience

Despite these stressors, the LGBTQ community has demonstrated extraordinary resilience throughout history. Gay and bisexual men have continually created innovative and supportive spaces for themselves. However, there are modern challenges to sustaining community, including the decline of physical LGBTQ spaces and the prevalence of dating apps that can sometimes exacerbate feelings of isolation and competition.

Dr. Pachankis emphasizes that while stressors within the LGBTQ community exist, it’s crucial to remember their root cause: homophobic stigma. One of stigma’s most insidious effects is making individuals believe that their own community is the problem rather than the society that marginalizes them. This misplaced blame can further erode community bonds when, in reality, the LGBTQ community’s strength and support are vital protective factors against mental health struggles.

Moving Forward: Supporting Wellbeing and Each Other

To combat these stressors, Dr. Pachankis suggests:

• Recognizing the real source of stress – Rather than turning against one another, LGBTQ individuals can unite in understanding how structural stigma shapes their experiences.

• Finding supportive role models – Identifying mentors and figures who model healthy, affirming relationships can counteract harmful community dynamics.

• Prioritizing genuine connection over competition – Seeking out spaces that foster meaningful relationships rather than reinforcing status-driven anxieties.

The takeaway? It’s not the LGBTQ community that’s pathological—it’s the stigma that has shaped it. By reclaiming narratives of resilience and focusing on collective healing, gay and bisexual men can continue to build spaces that nourish rather than deplete their well-being.

As Dr. Pachankis reminds us, “Don’t be suspicious of your own community. Instead, bond over structural forms of stigma and the ways that stigma compromises mental health.”

Unmasking the Struggle: Men Are Not Immune from Eating Disorders

When we think about eating disorders, the image that often comes to mind is of young women. But what about men? Despite making up 25% of individuals with eating disorders, men often face stigma, misunderstanding, and silence around their struggles. Today, we’re sharing stories and insights to shed light on the unique challenges men face with eating disorders—and how we can change the narrative.

Beyond the Stereotypes

Eating disorders in men are vastly underreported and often misdiagnosed. Societal expectations of masculinity discourage men from expressing vulnerability or admitting to struggles with body image. As a result, many men suffer in silence, unaware that eating disorders are not limited by gender.

Research reveals that millions of men in the U.S. alone battle eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder, or other specified feeding or eating disorders (OSFED). However, misconceptions and a lack of resources tailored to men’s experiences make recovery even more challenging.

Paul’s Story

Take Paul, a man in his mid-20s who has battled bulimia since his early twenties. Paul attended a support group I ran several years ago for men who struggled with their eating. Growing up, Paul struggled with weight and body insecurities, which were compounded during adolescence by experiences in physical education classes where he dreaded being singled out in games like “shirts and skins.”

In his early twenties, Paul’s insecurities deepened. He turned to amphetamines—prescribed during his childhood for ADHD—to suppress his appetite and maintain strict control over his weight. What started as anxiety about his body morphed into compulsive binge-purge behaviors that he initially dismissed as “discipline.”

Paul’s struggle escalated to a daily cycle of bingeing and purging, even as he pursued athletic goals like marathon training. Despite the serious health consequences—tooth decay, electrolyte imbalances, and an increased risk of heart failure—he found it incredibly difficult to break free from the cycle.

Understanding Eating Disorders in Men

Dr. Roberto Olivardia, a clinical instructor at Harvard and an expert on eating disorders in men, explains that eating disorders often involve much more than concerns about weight or appearance.

“It’s much beyond the body,” he says. “I’ve never worked with anyone with an eating disorder where it’s really just been about that. It often goes deeper than that.”

For men like Paul, eating disorders are often rooted in feelings of shame and inadequacy. Societal stigma adds another layer of complexity: many men feel they’re dealing with a “female” issue and struggle to find relatable resources or community support.

Jake’s Journey

Jake’s story offers another perspective. Jake was a student of mine several years ago in an undergraduate psychology course I taught. As a teenager, Jake developed severe anorexia, which led to life-threatening health risks and hospitalization. His desperation to maintain control over his weight drove him to extreme behaviors, such as water-loading—drinking excessive amounts of water to appear heavier on the scale.

Jake’s battle highlights the emotional toll of eating disorders. He admitted to feeling so hopeless that he didn’t care if he lived or died. At the core of his struggle was the belief that his worth was tied to achieving an idealized body image.

Barriers to Treatment

Both Paul and Jake’s experiences underscore the barriers men face in seeking treatment:

1. Stigma: Eating disorders are still perceived as a “female problem,” leaving many men feeling isolated.

2. Lack of Resources: Many treatment programs are designed with women in mind, making it hard for men to find relatable support.

3. Emotional Hurdles: Shame and the fear of judgment often prevent men from reaching out for help.

A Path Forward

Dr. Olivardia emphasizes the importance of addressing the underlying emotions behind eating disorders, such as anxiety and shame. For men, treatment should also consider how societal norms about masculinity influence their behaviors and sense of self-worth.

“With virtually every male that I’ve treated, the issue of what it means to be a man always comes up,” says Dr. Olivardia. “Because we see eating disorders as a traditionally female issue.”

Breaking the Silence

Raising awareness about men and eating disorders starts with challenging stereotypes and sharing stories. Here’s how we can make a difference:

• Normalize Conversations: Encourage open discussions about body image and mental health among men.

• Educate Providers: Ensure healthcare professionals are trained to recognize and address eating disorders in men.

• Offer Support: Create inclusive spaces where men feel seen and supported.

Hope and Recovery

Both Paul and Jake emphasize the importance of hope. Recovery may not happen overnight, but small, consistent steps can lead to meaningful change. As Paul says:

“As long as you’re moving forward, you’ll be successful. It doesn’t mean you’ll get there tomorrow, but progress is progress.”

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, resources like the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) can help. Let’s continue to challenge the stigma and make space for men’s voices in this conversation. Together, we can ensure that no one feels alone in their journey toward healing. 

Why LGBTQ+ Language Matters Now More Than Ever

As a therapist who frequently works with the LGBTQ+ population, I often get questions like:

• "What’s with the alphabet soup in the acronym?"

• "Why do new letters keep getting added—what happened to just being gay or straight?"

• "Isn’t it all too complicated now? Is the gay community just trying to be difficult?"

These are understandable questions. On the surface, it might seem like the LGBTQ+ community is intentionally making things complex. Understanding why the acronym continues to expand requires us to recognize the vital role language plays in shaping our understanding of identity.

Language Shapes Identity

In America, our traditional binary view of gender—male and female—can create confusion or discomfort for those who don’t fit into those rigid categories. For example, someone might be anatomically male but feel psychologically female, or they might not identify with any gender at all. Without the proper words to describe themselves, individuals can feel isolated and misunderstood. Language provides the framework we use to make sense of ourselves and the world around us.

Research demonstrates how language shapes perception:

• Russian speakers, who have distinct words for light and dark blues, can visually distinguish these shades more quickly than English speakers.

• Australian Aboriginal people of Pormpuraaw, who use cardinal directions (north, south, east, west) instead of relative directions like "left" or "right," exhibit an extraordinary sense of spatial orientation.

• The Pirahã people avoid using number words, relying instead on terms like "few" and "many," which limits their ability to track exact quantities.

In all these cases, language impacts not only how people communicate but also how they perceive and navigate the world. For those in the LGBTQ+ community, having the right words to describe their identity isn't just about clarity—it’s about validation and visibility.

A History of Erasure—and the Fight for Recognition

Until the 19th century, words like homosexual and heterosexual didn’t exist. The terms were initially used by the medical community to describe "deviants"—people engaging in sex for reasons beyond procreation. It wasn’t until the 1930s that these words became more widely understood by the public. As contraception became more accessible and sexual identity began to be understood beyond reproductive purposes, the language of sexuality evolved.

Fast-forward to today, and we’re witnessing a similar linguistic evolution as nonbinary, queer, asexual, and other identities gain recognition. Inclusive language empowers people to find a sense of belonging and understanding. But this progress is under threat.

The Current Political Climate: An Assault on Language and Identity

The importance of inclusive language becomes even clearer in light of recent political actions that seek to erase it altogether. The current U.S. administration has made headlines for attempting to restrict or erase LGBTQ+ terminology in government documents and funding guidelines. Policies targeting transgender healthcare, attempts to ban books addressing queer identities, and efforts to eliminate DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) programs all signal a larger campaign of erasure.

This isn’t just a semantic battle—it’s a fight for recognition and existence. When language is restricted, identities are invalidated, and the people who hold those identities face greater risks of marginalization, discrimination, and violence.

Why Language Matters

The expanding LGBTQ+ acronym isn’t about being complicated or exclusionary—it’s about making space for everyone to be seen and understood. For those who have long existed in the shadows due to a lack of recognition, language becomes a form of resistance, empowerment, and survival.

The fight for inclusive language is not just about adding letters to an acronym—it’s about ensuring that all identities have a place in the conversation. As policies aimed at erasure continue to gain traction, using inclusive language becomes a small but powerful act of solidarity and recognition.

Inclusion isn’t about complexity—it’s about compassion.

Three Tips for the Fatherless on Father’s Day

Technically speaking, everyone has a father. After all, none of us would be here without one. However, the biological fact that everyone has a father doesn’t mean that everyone has a relationship with their dad. Many people report having a wonderful father, while others are estranged from or don't know their father at all. While 69% of people report having a close relationship with their father, 90% say they have a close relationship with their mother. In other words, for a significant portion of the population, Father’s Day can be a complicated holiday. While some are celebrating with gifts, heartfelt posts, and family photos, others may be feeling a sense of loss, hurt, or even betrayal.

If this resonates with you, I hope to offer some comfort this Father’s Day. Before I delve into strategies for coping with a difficult day, let's first examine the concept of “fatherhood” and dispel some myths surrounding the idea that growing up without a father inevitably leads to lifelong mental health struggles. While there’s some truth to this claim, it’s not the whole picture. Understanding the emotional pain associated with Father’s Day can make it easier to address, so let’s start by looking at what research tells us about the role of fathers in child development—and then explore how Father’s Day can become a more manageable, and even healing, experience.

What Does the Research Teach Us About Fathers?

Numerous studies show that fathers play a significant role in their children’s development. Research consistently indicates that children with involved fathers tend to be more emotionally stable, confident, and socially adept. For example, studies have shown that children with active fathers are more likely to perform well in school, exhibit fewer behavioral problems, and develop better emotional regulation (Source: American Psychological Association, 2021). These findings primarily focus on children raised by heterosexual parents, where both parents are emotionally engaged with the child.

However, the narrative that children need both a mother and a father to thrive is not entirely accurate. This myth has been used to push the idea that children raised in nontraditional households—whether by single parents, same-sex parents, or other family structures—are more likely to suffer from issues like substance abuse or emotional instability. But recent research challenges this claim. A study by The American Sociological Association (2020) found that family structure (e.g., two-parent vs. single-parent households) wasn’t as important as the quality of the parental care. As long as children received stable, loving, and responsible care, their emotional and social outcomes were similar across various family types.

In fact, a major review of nontraditional family structures revealed that “the most important predictor of a child’s well-being is not the family type but the quality of parenting” (Source: Child Development Perspectives, 2021). This finding underlines that the presence of nurturing adults—whether in a two-parent (different-sex or same-sex) or single-parent household—is what really matters.

The Truth About Parental Influence: It’s Not About Family Structure Alone

It’s important to recognize that a lack of paternal involvement, whether due to abandonment, absence, or emotional unavailability, can contribute to emotional distress in children and, later, in adults. However, this doesn’t mean that children without fathers are doomed to psychological struggles. The quality of emotional support from all caregivers—whether it’s a mother, grandmother, mentor, or even a close family friend—can provide the foundation for healing and thriving.

Research by The National Institutes of Health (NIH) also underscores that emotional support is key: “A supportive caregiving environment, even from a single parent, can buffer the effects of a father’s absence” (2022). In other words, while fathers matter, the nurturing and emotionally stable relationships with other adults in a child’s life can mitigate the impact of paternal absence.

Three Ways to Heal and Thrive on Father’s Day

If you find yourself struggling this Father’s Day due to the absence of a father figure or a lack of emotional support from your father, I want to extend my deepest empathy. Father’s Day can be a difficult reminder of what was missing, but it can also be an opportunity for healing and growth. Here are three strategies to help you process what you’re going through:

1. Identify What You’re Really Missing

It’s natural to feel sadness or frustration on Father’s Day, but have you taken the time to clarify exactly what you’re grieving? It’s easy to feel a general sense of loss, but a deeper examination might reveal specific emotional needs that went unmet. For example, perhaps you longed for paternal validation or approval but never received it. Maybe you struggle with self-criticism, a pattern that may stem from excessive criticism you received as a child.

Take a moment to identify those specific emotional voids and acknowledge what they mean for your life today. Understanding the precise nature of your grief can help you process it better. Mourning isn’t about self-pity—it’s about fully experiencing your emotions and giving yourself permission to heal. Grief is a necessary step toward emotional resilience—it allows us to accept the past while freeing us to grow beyond it.

2. Seek Out Mentors

As research suggests, paternal love doesn’t have to come from a biological father. Mentors can play a significant role in filling the emotional gaps left by an absent or uninvolved father. Consider the people in your life who inspire you—whether they’re family members, teachers, or friends. Is there an opportunity to spend time with them, to learn from their experiences, or to ask them for guidance?

Sometimes the most unexpected people can provide the nurturing you need. It’s important to remember that mentors don’t have to be male to help you cultivate your sense of identity and emotional well-being. In fact, many people (myself included) have gained valuable insights into masculinity and personal growth through women who served as role models. Be open to the different forms of mentorship available to you—these relationships can help you feel seen and supported, especially on a day that brings up painful memories.

3. Parent Yourself

This might sound a little strange, but hear me out: many of us struggle with the parts of ourselves we don’t like, whether it’s a tendency toward self-criticism, impulsiveness, or past mistakes. These tendencies are often rooted in unmet emotional needs from childhood. One of the most powerful tools for healing is to practice self-compassion, an act of “parenting” yourself.

What does this look like? Just as a caring parent would help a child understand and cope with their behaviors, you can approach yourself with empathy and acceptance. When we treat ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a loved one, we are better able to break free from unhealthy patterns and foster personal growth. Radical acceptance of your imperfections allows for real change and healing. Instead of berating yourself for mistakes, approach your flaws with understanding, which in turn fosters emotional growth and resilience.

Final Thoughts

Father’s Day can be challenging, but remember, there’s more than one way to experience paternal nurturance. Whether through other figures of mentorship, your own internal healing, or seeking professional support, there are many paths to emotional well-being. The key is to allow yourself the space to mourn, to seek out those who can help you heal, and to practice self-compassion as you move forward.

Remember, it's never too late to heal. Our brains and spirits are remarkably resilient, and no matter what the past has been like, you have the ability to thrive.

Happy Father’s Day.

Can Your Job Cause Trauma? Six Questions to Ask Yourself

At about 4:30 a.m. on January 18, 2022, 27-year-old Michael Odell, a travel nurse working at Stanford Hospital in California, walked off the job during a night shift. Two days later, after being reported missing by his roommate, Odell’s body was found by the Alameda County Sheriff’s dive team in the water near the Dumbarton Bridge in San Francisco, alongside his car.

Joshua Paredes, Odell’s roommate, recounted witnessing Odell’s declining mental health. Odell had been working long hours, recently moved to the area following his mother’s death, and was struggling to find a new therapist after losing his health insurance coverage.

“There were a lot of little gaps he fell into when he moved,” Paredes shared. “I just wish I had listened more or asked him if he was sleeping enough because he was so tired from work. Was it exhaustion, or was it depression? I wish I’d created another opportunity for him to reach out if he wanted to.”

This heartbreaking story illustrates a critical but often overlooked aspect of trauma: it can deeply affect us even if the traumatic event didn’t happen directly to us. In previous discussions, we’ve explored how trauma impacts the brain and behavior. Yet, many mistakenly believe trauma requires a direct, singular event—something like an assault, physical harm, or combat experience—to warrant attention. This misunderstanding can leave individuals in high-stress professions struggling with symptoms they don’t fully recognize as trauma.

Understanding Secondary Trauma

For many professionals, encountering traumatic situations is part of the job. Nurses, first responders, social workers, and others in caregiving or high-stakes roles often face what’s known as secondary trauma—a stress response triggered by exposure to other people’s suffering or crises. While not formally recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), secondary trauma’s effects are very real.

The brain often flags these events as traumatic even when society might not, leading to a mismatch between what feels distressing and what’s culturally acknowledged as trauma. Research consistently shows that professions requiring regular exposure to human suffering or distress—even if indirectly—can lead to symptoms commonly associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Signs and Symptoms to Watch For

Trauma can manifest in unexpected ways. For those in high-stress professions, trauma responses may include:

• Emotional exhaustion: Feeling drained, detached, or numb.

• Hypervigilance: Constantly feeling on edge or unable to relax.

• Intrusive thoughts: Replaying distressing scenarios or conversations.

• Difficulty separating work from personal life: Bringing work stress home emotionally or mentally.

• Relationship struggles: Disconnecting from loved ones or feeling isolated.

Jobs Where Everyday Tasks Can Be Traumatic

Certain roles inherently involve frequent exposure to difficult situations, making trauma an occupational hazard. Examples include:

• Emergency responders: Firefighters, paramedics, and police officers who witness crises daily.

• Customer service workers: Handling high volumes of complaints or emotionally charged calls.

• Nonprofit professionals: Working with clients who have experienced neglect, abuse, or other hardships.

• Healthcare providers: Facing death, illness, and suffering as routine parts of their day.

Six Questions to Assess Your Mental Health

If you work in a high-stress field, it’s crucial to check in with yourself regularly. Ask yourself the following:

1. Do I have difficulty separating work from my personal life?

2. Do I ruminate on stories or events I’ve encountered during the workday?

3. Do I dread going to work because of what may happen?

4. Do I feel increasingly disconnected from coworkers or loved ones?

5. Do I sometimes feel my job is more than I can bear?

6. Have my friends or family expressed concern about how my job is affecting me?

If you answered “yes” to several of these questions, you may be experiencing secondary trauma.

What You Can Do Next

Addressing secondary trauma starts with acknowledging its impact and seeking support. Consider the following steps:

• Reach out for help: Therapy can provide tools to process and manage your experiences. Look for professionals experienced in trauma work.

• Set boundaries: Protect your personal time by creating firm limits on how much work stress you bring home.

• Practice self-care: Prioritize rest, physical activity, and hobbies that help you decompress.

• Build a support network: Connect with colleagues, friends, or groups who understand the unique challenges of your field.

Remember, you don’t have to navigate these challenges alone. By prioritizing your mental well-being, you’re not only protecting yourself but also ensuring you can continue to show up fully for the important work you do every day.

Peter Pan Syndrome & Gay Men: The Fear of Growing Up, Settling Down, and Facing Ourselves

“I don’t want to go to school and learn solemn things! No one is going to catch me, lady, and make me a man. I want always to be a little boy and to have fun!” — Peter Pan

Peter Pan, the beloved fictional character, has long symbolized youthful playfulness—but for some, the reluctance to grow up goes deeper. Peter Pan Syndrome, a term popularized by Dr. Dan Kiley in the 1980s, refers to men who resist the responsibilities of adulthood, often struggling with emotional growth, commitment, and self-sufficiency. While not a formal diagnosis, it offers a useful lens for understanding certain behavioral patterns.

For gay and queer men, the concept of maturity is often shaped by a unique mix of cultural, societal, and personal experiences. Many of us had to grow up fast—navigating rejection, trauma, or identity struggles. At the same time, some aspects of gay culture can glorify youth, freedom, and avoidance of traditional responsibilities, creating a paradox: we are expected to be resilient adults, yet also encouraged to embrace an extended adolescence.

So how does Peter Pan Syndrome show up in gay men’s relationships, careers, and emotional lives? And what can be done to navigate it with clarity, compassion, and self-awareness?

Why Some Gay Men May Struggle With Growing Up

Peter Pan Syndrome isn't just about avoiding responsibility—it’s often tied to unresolved emotional wounds, fear of vulnerability, and uncertainty about what adulthood should look like. Many gay men experience one or more of these patterns:

1. Delayed Emotional Development

For many gay men, adolescence didn’t follow a typical trajectory. While straight peers navigated dating, intimacy, and emotional exploration openly, many of us were still in hiding, suppressing desires, or prioritizing survival over self-discovery. As a result, some enter adulthood without key relational and emotional skills, leading to avoidance of deep intimacy, commitment, or emotional responsibility.

2. Fear of Settling Down

Some gay men associate long-term relationships with loss of freedom—partially due to cultural messaging that equates queerness with nonconformity and independence. This can result in:

• Jumping from one casual relationship to the next to avoid emotional depth.

• Struggling with emotional vulnerability, leading to detachment or avoidant behavior.

• Relying on external validation (looks, status, social life) instead of emotional fulfillment.

3. Financial and Career Avoidance

While many high-achieving gay men are incredibly career-driven, others may feel directionless, trapped in patterns of underachievement, or hesitant to take on responsibility. This might manifest as:

• Job hopping or lack of long-term career planning.

• Avoiding financial responsibility or staying financially dependent on others.

• Preferring escapism (travel, nightlife, instant gratification) over building stability.

4. The Pursuit of Eternal Youth in Gay Culture

Mainstream gay culture often celebrates youth, beauty, and playfulness—which can sometimes reinforce a resistance to aging and responsibility. The pressure to remain young, fit, and carefree can make growing older feel like a loss of identity rather than a natural transition.

Of course, not all gay men fall into these patterns—but many feel the pressure to balance freedom and responsibility in ways that differ from their straight counterparts.

How To Navigate Peter Pan Syndrome With Awareness

1 . Challenge the fear of Vulnerability

Emotional growth requires embracing discomfort—and for many gay men, vulnerability still feels like a risk. If you find yourself avoiding deep connection, ask:

• What am I afraid will happen if I let someone see the real me?

• Am I avoiding emotional closeness out of habit, past trauma, or genuine preference?

• What small steps can I take to become more open in my relationships?

2. Define What Adulthood Means For You

Adulthood doesn’t have to mean heteronormative milestones like marriage, kids, or corporate success—but it does mean taking ownership of your life.

• How do I define maturity and personal responsibility?

• What does a fulfilling life look like for me—beyond external expectations?

3. Set Boundaries With Yourself and Others

If you notice avoidant behaviors in yourself or in partners/friends, practice setting clear and kind boundaries:

• “I want a relationship built on emotional depth, not just fun. If that’s not what you’re looking for, I respect that, but it’s important for me.”

• “I need financial stability in my life. How can I create more structure around that?”

4. Work With a Therapist to Explore Unresolved Trauma

Peter Pan Syndrome is often linked to unprocessed childhood or relational trauma. Therapy—especially approaches like EMDR or psychodynamic work—can help unpack unconscious fears, break avoidance cycles, and build healthier relationships with yourself and others.

Final Thoughts: Growing Up Without Losing Joy

Growth doesn’t mean giving up fun, spontaneity, or freedom. It means learning to balance playfulness with accountability, independence with connection, and self-expression with emotional depth.

If you recognize yourself in any of these patterns, know that change is possible—not by forcing yourself into societal molds, but by redefining what maturity and fulfillment mean for you.

A New Papacy, A New Chance: Three Lessons for the Next Pope from Pope Francis’ Failures to Address Sexual Abuse

With the passing of Pope Francis, the world mourns a leader who brought warmth, humility, and a progressive spirit to one of the oldest institutions on earth. His papacy marked a profound shift in tone for the Catholic Church—one defined by concern for the poor, care for the environment, and outreach to those long marginalized by doctrine or tradition. For many, he was a pope of the people: a shepherd who walked with his flock and reminded the Church of its roots in compassion.

Yet even as we honor the grace and conviction with which he led, one painful and unresolved chapter continues to cast a long shadow over his papacy: the Catholic Church’s ongoing mishandling of the sexual abuse crisis.

Pope Francis did not ignore the crisis. He offered apologies. He met with survivors. He spoke of the need for change. And at times, he challenged the culture of silence that had protected abusers for generations. But for many survivors, the steps he took—though well-meaning—fell short of the transparency, accountability, and systemic reform they so desperately needed.

Now, as the Church prepares to choose a new spiritual leader, it must also confront the moral crossroads it stands upon. To honor Pope Francis’ legacy of compassion, the Church must do what he began but did not finish: face the full truth of its failings and commit to healing and justice.

Here are three essential steps the Church must take in this next chapter:

Center Survivors—Not Institutions

One of the enduring criticisms of Francis’ papacy was the perception that the Church’s reputation often took precedence over the lived experience of those harmed. While some bishops were removed, others remained in positions of power despite credible accusations or evidence of complicity.

True reform begins when survivors are no longer treated as an afterthought. Future leadership must place survivors at the center of its mission—not just in words, but through concrete action. This includes transparent investigations, removing abusers and their protectors, and creating survivor-led forums that uphold dignity, validation, and restorative justice.

Go Beyond Symbolism—Make Truth Public

Pope Francis held private meetings with abuse survivors that were meant to convey personal compassion. But survivors need more than closed-door encounters—they need public acknowledgment, systemic accountability, and visible solidarity from the highest levels of Church leadership.

The next pope must move beyond apology alone. Healing demands tangible steps: opening archives, naming perpetrators, cooperating fully with civil authorities, and offering reparations. Words of sorrow must be matched by acts of courage and transparency.

Take Responsibility—Without Deflection

At times, Francis framed abuse as a tragedy that exists across all institutions, not just the Church. While true, this framing sometimes came across as a deflection—an unwillingness to fully claim the Church’s unique responsibility in fostering a culture of silence and protectionism.

The next chapter of leadership must reject defensiveness and embrace accountability. The Catholic Church’s crisis is not simply a reflection of societal failures; it is a specific betrayal of moral and spiritual trust. Any meaningful path forward must involve dismantling the structures that enabled abuse, embracing external oversight, and recommitting to moral authority through acts—not intentions.

A Call to Courage

Pope Francis leaves behind a legacy rich in humility and hope. He reminded the Church to look outward, to care more, to judge less. But even his most devoted admirers acknowledge that the work of justice for survivors remains painfully incomplete.

Now is not the time to soften the truth or delay the reckoning. It is time to finish the work Pope Francis began, and in some ways struggled to complete. A Church that truly lives out the Gospel must confront its deepest wounds—not with platitudes, but with integrity, transparency, and a fierce commitment to justice.

Survivors have waited long enough.

May this moment be not only one of mourning, but of moral awakening. May the next leader of the Catholic Church carry forward Pope Francis’ heart—but with the resolve to do what is long overdue.