Unmasking the Struggle: Men Are Not Immune from Eating Disorders

When we think about eating disorders, the image that often comes to mind is of young women. But what about men? Despite making up 25% of individuals with eating disorders, men often face stigma, misunderstanding, and silence around their struggles. Today, we’re sharing stories and insights to shed light on the unique challenges men face with eating disorders—and how we can change the narrative.

Beyond the Stereotypes

Eating disorders in men are vastly underreported and often misdiagnosed. Societal expectations of masculinity discourage men from expressing vulnerability or admitting to struggles with body image. As a result, many men suffer in silence, unaware that eating disorders are not limited by gender.

Research reveals that millions of men in the U.S. alone battle eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder, or other specified feeding or eating disorders (OSFED). However, misconceptions and a lack of resources tailored to men’s experiences make recovery even more challenging.

Paul’s Story

Take Paul, a man in his mid-20s who has battled bulimia since his early twenties. Paul attended a support group I ran several years ago for men who struggled with their eating. Growing up, Paul struggled with weight and body insecurities, which were compounded during adolescence by experiences in physical education classes where he dreaded being singled out in games like “shirts and skins.”

In his early twenties, Paul’s insecurities deepened. He turned to amphetamines—prescribed during his childhood for ADHD—to suppress his appetite and maintain strict control over his weight. What started as anxiety about his body morphed into compulsive binge-purge behaviors that he initially dismissed as “discipline.”

Paul’s struggle escalated to a daily cycle of bingeing and purging, even as he pursued athletic goals like marathon training. Despite the serious health consequences—tooth decay, electrolyte imbalances, and an increased risk of heart failure—he found it incredibly difficult to break free from the cycle.

Understanding Eating Disorders in Men

Dr. Roberto Olivardia, a clinical instructor at Harvard and an expert on eating disorders in men, explains that eating disorders often involve much more than concerns about weight or appearance.

“It’s much beyond the body,” he says. “I’ve never worked with anyone with an eating disorder where it’s really just been about that. It often goes deeper than that.”

For men like Paul, eating disorders are often rooted in feelings of shame and inadequacy. Societal stigma adds another layer of complexity: many men feel they’re dealing with a “female” issue and struggle to find relatable resources or community support.

Jake’s Journey

Jake’s story offers another perspective. Jake was a student of mine several years ago in an undergraduate psychology course I taught. As a teenager, Jake developed severe anorexia, which led to life-threatening health risks and hospitalization. His desperation to maintain control over his weight drove him to extreme behaviors, such as water-loading—drinking excessive amounts of water to appear heavier on the scale.

Jake’s battle highlights the emotional toll of eating disorders. He admitted to feeling so hopeless that he didn’t care if he lived or died. At the core of his struggle was the belief that his worth was tied to achieving an idealized body image.

Barriers to Treatment

Both Paul and Jake’s experiences underscore the barriers men face in seeking treatment:

1. Stigma: Eating disorders are still perceived as a “female problem,” leaving many men feeling isolated.

2. Lack of Resources: Many treatment programs are designed with women in mind, making it hard for men to find relatable support.

3. Emotional Hurdles: Shame and the fear of judgment often prevent men from reaching out for help.

A Path Forward

Dr. Olivardia emphasizes the importance of addressing the underlying emotions behind eating disorders, such as anxiety and shame. For men, treatment should also consider how societal norms about masculinity influence their behaviors and sense of self-worth.

“With virtually every male that I’ve treated, the issue of what it means to be a man always comes up,” says Dr. Olivardia. “Because we see eating disorders as a traditionally female issue.”

Breaking the Silence

Raising awareness about men and eating disorders starts with challenging stereotypes and sharing stories. Here’s how we can make a difference:

• Normalize Conversations: Encourage open discussions about body image and mental health among men.

• Educate Providers: Ensure healthcare professionals are trained to recognize and address eating disorders in men.

• Offer Support: Create inclusive spaces where men feel seen and supported.

Hope and Recovery

Both Paul and Jake emphasize the importance of hope. Recovery may not happen overnight, but small, consistent steps can lead to meaningful change. As Paul says:

“As long as you’re moving forward, you’ll be successful. It doesn’t mean you’ll get there tomorrow, but progress is progress.”

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, resources like the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) can help. Let’s continue to challenge the stigma and make space for men’s voices in this conversation. Together, we can ensure that no one feels alone in their journey toward healing. 

Why LGBTQ+ Language Matters Now More Than Ever

As a therapist who frequently works with the LGBTQ+ population, I often get questions like:

• "What’s with the alphabet soup in the acronym?"

• "Why do new letters keep getting added—what happened to just being gay or straight?"

• "Isn’t it all too complicated now? Is the gay community just trying to be difficult?"

These are understandable questions. On the surface, it might seem like the LGBTQ+ community is intentionally making things complex. Understanding why the acronym continues to expand requires us to recognize the vital role language plays in shaping our understanding of identity.

Language Shapes Identity

In America, our traditional binary view of gender—male and female—can create confusion or discomfort for those who don’t fit into those rigid categories. For example, someone might be anatomically male but feel psychologically female, or they might not identify with any gender at all. Without the proper words to describe themselves, individuals can feel isolated and misunderstood. Language provides the framework we use to make sense of ourselves and the world around us.

Research demonstrates how language shapes perception:

• Russian speakers, who have distinct words for light and dark blues, can visually distinguish these shades more quickly than English speakers.

• Australian Aboriginal people of Pormpuraaw, who use cardinal directions (north, south, east, west) instead of relative directions like "left" or "right," exhibit an extraordinary sense of spatial orientation.

• The Pirahã people avoid using number words, relying instead on terms like "few" and "many," which limits their ability to track exact quantities.

In all these cases, language impacts not only how people communicate but also how they perceive and navigate the world. For those in the LGBTQ+ community, having the right words to describe their identity isn't just about clarity—it’s about validation and visibility.

A History of Erasure—and the Fight for Recognition

Until the 19th century, words like homosexual and heterosexual didn’t exist. The terms were initially used by the medical community to describe "deviants"—people engaging in sex for reasons beyond procreation. It wasn’t until the 1930s that these words became more widely understood by the public. As contraception became more accessible and sexual identity began to be understood beyond reproductive purposes, the language of sexuality evolved.

Fast-forward to today, and we’re witnessing a similar linguistic evolution as nonbinary, queer, asexual, and other identities gain recognition. Inclusive language empowers people to find a sense of belonging and understanding. But this progress is under threat.

The Current Political Climate: An Assault on Language and Identity

The importance of inclusive language becomes even clearer in light of recent political actions that seek to erase it altogether. The current U.S. administration has made headlines for attempting to restrict or erase LGBTQ+ terminology in government documents and funding guidelines. Policies targeting transgender healthcare, attempts to ban books addressing queer identities, and efforts to eliminate DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) programs all signal a larger campaign of erasure.

This isn’t just a semantic battle—it’s a fight for recognition and existence. When language is restricted, identities are invalidated, and the people who hold those identities face greater risks of marginalization, discrimination, and violence.

Why Language Matters

The expanding LGBTQ+ acronym isn’t about being complicated or exclusionary—it’s about making space for everyone to be seen and understood. For those who have long existed in the shadows due to a lack of recognition, language becomes a form of resistance, empowerment, and survival.

The fight for inclusive language is not just about adding letters to an acronym—it’s about ensuring that all identities have a place in the conversation. As policies aimed at erasure continue to gain traction, using inclusive language becomes a small but powerful act of solidarity and recognition.

Inclusion isn’t about complexity—it’s about compassion.

Three Tips for the Fatherless on Father’s Day

Technically speaking, everyone has a father. After all, none of us would be here without one. However, the biological fact that everyone has a father doesn’t mean that everyone has a relationship with their dad. Many people report having a wonderful father, while others are estranged from or don't know their father at all. While 69% of people report having a close relationship with their father, 90% say they have a close relationship with their mother. In other words, for a significant portion of the population, Father’s Day can be a complicated holiday. While some are celebrating with gifts, heartfelt posts, and family photos, others may be feeling a sense of loss, hurt, or even betrayal.

If this resonates with you, I hope to offer some comfort this Father’s Day. Before I delve into strategies for coping with a difficult day, let's first examine the concept of “fatherhood” and dispel some myths surrounding the idea that growing up without a father inevitably leads to lifelong mental health struggles. While there’s some truth to this claim, it’s not the whole picture. Understanding the emotional pain associated with Father’s Day can make it easier to address, so let’s start by looking at what research tells us about the role of fathers in child development—and then explore how Father’s Day can become a more manageable, and even healing, experience.

What Does the Research Teach Us About Fathers?

Numerous studies show that fathers play a significant role in their children’s development. Research consistently indicates that children with involved fathers tend to be more emotionally stable, confident, and socially adept. For example, studies have shown that children with active fathers are more likely to perform well in school, exhibit fewer behavioral problems, and develop better emotional regulation (Source: American Psychological Association, 2021). These findings primarily focus on children raised by heterosexual parents, where both parents are emotionally engaged with the child.

However, the narrative that children need both a mother and a father to thrive is not entirely accurate. This myth has been used to push the idea that children raised in nontraditional households—whether by single parents, same-sex parents, or other family structures—are more likely to suffer from issues like substance abuse or emotional instability. But recent research challenges this claim. A study by The American Sociological Association (2020) found that family structure (e.g., two-parent vs. single-parent households) wasn’t as important as the quality of the parental care. As long as children received stable, loving, and responsible care, their emotional and social outcomes were similar across various family types.

In fact, a major review of nontraditional family structures revealed that “the most important predictor of a child’s well-being is not the family type but the quality of parenting” (Source: Child Development Perspectives, 2021). This finding underlines that the presence of nurturing adults—whether in a two-parent (different-sex or same-sex) or single-parent household—is what really matters.

The Truth About Parental Influence: It’s Not About Family Structure Alone

It’s important to recognize that a lack of paternal involvement, whether due to abandonment, absence, or emotional unavailability, can contribute to emotional distress in children and, later, in adults. However, this doesn’t mean that children without fathers are doomed to psychological struggles. The quality of emotional support from all caregivers—whether it’s a mother, grandmother, mentor, or even a close family friend—can provide the foundation for healing and thriving.

Research by The National Institutes of Health (NIH) also underscores that emotional support is key: “A supportive caregiving environment, even from a single parent, can buffer the effects of a father’s absence” (2022). In other words, while fathers matter, the nurturing and emotionally stable relationships with other adults in a child’s life can mitigate the impact of paternal absence.

Three Ways to Heal and Thrive on Father’s Day

If you find yourself struggling this Father’s Day due to the absence of a father figure or a lack of emotional support from your father, I want to extend my deepest empathy. Father’s Day can be a difficult reminder of what was missing, but it can also be an opportunity for healing and growth. Here are three strategies to help you process what you’re going through:

1. Identify What You’re Really Missing

It’s natural to feel sadness or frustration on Father’s Day, but have you taken the time to clarify exactly what you’re grieving? It’s easy to feel a general sense of loss, but a deeper examination might reveal specific emotional needs that went unmet. For example, perhaps you longed for paternal validation or approval but never received it. Maybe you struggle with self-criticism, a pattern that may stem from excessive criticism you received as a child.

Take a moment to identify those specific emotional voids and acknowledge what they mean for your life today. Understanding the precise nature of your grief can help you process it better. Mourning isn’t about self-pity—it’s about fully experiencing your emotions and giving yourself permission to heal. Grief is a necessary step toward emotional resilience—it allows us to accept the past while freeing us to grow beyond it.

2. Seek Out Mentors

As research suggests, paternal love doesn’t have to come from a biological father. Mentors can play a significant role in filling the emotional gaps left by an absent or uninvolved father. Consider the people in your life who inspire you—whether they’re family members, teachers, or friends. Is there an opportunity to spend time with them, to learn from their experiences, or to ask them for guidance?

Sometimes the most unexpected people can provide the nurturing you need. It’s important to remember that mentors don’t have to be male to help you cultivate your sense of identity and emotional well-being. In fact, many people (myself included) have gained valuable insights into masculinity and personal growth through women who served as role models. Be open to the different forms of mentorship available to you—these relationships can help you feel seen and supported, especially on a day that brings up painful memories.

3. Parent Yourself

This might sound a little strange, but hear me out: many of us struggle with the parts of ourselves we don’t like, whether it’s a tendency toward self-criticism, impulsiveness, or past mistakes. These tendencies are often rooted in unmet emotional needs from childhood. One of the most powerful tools for healing is to practice self-compassion, an act of “parenting” yourself.

What does this look like? Just as a caring parent would help a child understand and cope with their behaviors, you can approach yourself with empathy and acceptance. When we treat ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a loved one, we are better able to break free from unhealthy patterns and foster personal growth. Radical acceptance of your imperfections allows for real change and healing. Instead of berating yourself for mistakes, approach your flaws with understanding, which in turn fosters emotional growth and resilience.

Final Thoughts

Father’s Day can be challenging, but remember, there’s more than one way to experience paternal nurturance. Whether through other figures of mentorship, your own internal healing, or seeking professional support, there are many paths to emotional well-being. The key is to allow yourself the space to mourn, to seek out those who can help you heal, and to practice self-compassion as you move forward.

Remember, it's never too late to heal. Our brains and spirits are remarkably resilient, and no matter what the past has been like, you have the ability to thrive.

Happy Father’s Day.

Can Your Job Cause Trauma? Six Questions to Ask Yourself

At about 4:30 a.m. on January 18, 2022, 27-year-old Michael Odell, a travel nurse working at Stanford Hospital in California, walked off the job during a night shift. Two days later, after being reported missing by his roommate, Odell’s body was found by the Alameda County Sheriff’s dive team in the water near the Dumbarton Bridge in San Francisco, alongside his car.

Joshua Paredes, Odell’s roommate, recounted witnessing Odell’s declining mental health. Odell had been working long hours, recently moved to the area following his mother’s death, and was struggling to find a new therapist after losing his health insurance coverage.

“There were a lot of little gaps he fell into when he moved,” Paredes shared. “I just wish I had listened more or asked him if he was sleeping enough because he was so tired from work. Was it exhaustion, or was it depression? I wish I’d created another opportunity for him to reach out if he wanted to.”

This heartbreaking story illustrates a critical but often overlooked aspect of trauma: it can deeply affect us even if the traumatic event didn’t happen directly to us. In previous discussions, we’ve explored how trauma impacts the brain and behavior. Yet, many mistakenly believe trauma requires a direct, singular event—something like an assault, physical harm, or combat experience—to warrant attention. This misunderstanding can leave individuals in high-stress professions struggling with symptoms they don’t fully recognize as trauma.

Understanding Secondary Trauma

For many professionals, encountering traumatic situations is part of the job. Nurses, first responders, social workers, and others in caregiving or high-stakes roles often face what’s known as secondary trauma—a stress response triggered by exposure to other people’s suffering or crises. While not formally recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), secondary trauma’s effects are very real.

The brain often flags these events as traumatic even when society might not, leading to a mismatch between what feels distressing and what’s culturally acknowledged as trauma. Research consistently shows that professions requiring regular exposure to human suffering or distress—even if indirectly—can lead to symptoms commonly associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Signs and Symptoms to Watch For

Trauma can manifest in unexpected ways. For those in high-stress professions, trauma responses may include:

• Emotional exhaustion: Feeling drained, detached, or numb.

• Hypervigilance: Constantly feeling on edge or unable to relax.

• Intrusive thoughts: Replaying distressing scenarios or conversations.

• Difficulty separating work from personal life: Bringing work stress home emotionally or mentally.

• Relationship struggles: Disconnecting from loved ones or feeling isolated.

Jobs Where Everyday Tasks Can Be Traumatic

Certain roles inherently involve frequent exposure to difficult situations, making trauma an occupational hazard. Examples include:

• Emergency responders: Firefighters, paramedics, and police officers who witness crises daily.

• Customer service workers: Handling high volumes of complaints or emotionally charged calls.

• Nonprofit professionals: Working with clients who have experienced neglect, abuse, or other hardships.

• Healthcare providers: Facing death, illness, and suffering as routine parts of their day.

Six Questions to Assess Your Mental Health

If you work in a high-stress field, it’s crucial to check in with yourself regularly. Ask yourself the following:

1. Do I have difficulty separating work from my personal life?

2. Do I ruminate on stories or events I’ve encountered during the workday?

3. Do I dread going to work because of what may happen?

4. Do I feel increasingly disconnected from coworkers or loved ones?

5. Do I sometimes feel my job is more than I can bear?

6. Have my friends or family expressed concern about how my job is affecting me?

If you answered “yes” to several of these questions, you may be experiencing secondary trauma.

What You Can Do Next

Addressing secondary trauma starts with acknowledging its impact and seeking support. Consider the following steps:

• Reach out for help: Therapy can provide tools to process and manage your experiences. Look for professionals experienced in trauma work.

• Set boundaries: Protect your personal time by creating firm limits on how much work stress you bring home.

• Practice self-care: Prioritize rest, physical activity, and hobbies that help you decompress.

• Build a support network: Connect with colleagues, friends, or groups who understand the unique challenges of your field.

Remember, you don’t have to navigate these challenges alone. By prioritizing your mental well-being, you’re not only protecting yourself but also ensuring you can continue to show up fully for the important work you do every day.

Peter Pan Syndrome & Gay Men: The Fear of Growing Up, Settling Down, and Facing Ourselves

“I don’t want to go to school and learn solemn things! No one is going to catch me, lady, and make me a man. I want always to be a little boy and to have fun!” — Peter Pan

Peter Pan, the beloved fictional character, has long symbolized youthful playfulness—but for some, the reluctance to grow up goes deeper. Peter Pan Syndrome, a term popularized by Dr. Dan Kiley in the 1980s, refers to men who resist the responsibilities of adulthood, often struggling with emotional growth, commitment, and self-sufficiency. While not a formal diagnosis, it offers a useful lens for understanding certain behavioral patterns.

For gay and queer men, the concept of maturity is often shaped by a unique mix of cultural, societal, and personal experiences. Many of us had to grow up fast—navigating rejection, trauma, or identity struggles. At the same time, some aspects of gay culture can glorify youth, freedom, and avoidance of traditional responsibilities, creating a paradox: we are expected to be resilient adults, yet also encouraged to embrace an extended adolescence.

So how does Peter Pan Syndrome show up in gay men’s relationships, careers, and emotional lives? And what can be done to navigate it with clarity, compassion, and self-awareness?

Why Some Gay Men May Struggle With Growing Up

Peter Pan Syndrome isn't just about avoiding responsibility—it’s often tied to unresolved emotional wounds, fear of vulnerability, and uncertainty about what adulthood should look like. Many gay men experience one or more of these patterns:

1. Delayed Emotional Development

For many gay men, adolescence didn’t follow a typical trajectory. While straight peers navigated dating, intimacy, and emotional exploration openly, many of us were still in hiding, suppressing desires, or prioritizing survival over self-discovery. As a result, some enter adulthood without key relational and emotional skills, leading to avoidance of deep intimacy, commitment, or emotional responsibility.

2. Fear of Settling Down

Some gay men associate long-term relationships with loss of freedom—partially due to cultural messaging that equates queerness with nonconformity and independence. This can result in:

• Jumping from one casual relationship to the next to avoid emotional depth.

• Struggling with emotional vulnerability, leading to detachment or avoidant behavior.

• Relying on external validation (looks, status, social life) instead of emotional fulfillment.

3. Financial and Career Avoidance

While many high-achieving gay men are incredibly career-driven, others may feel directionless, trapped in patterns of underachievement, or hesitant to take on responsibility. This might manifest as:

• Job hopping or lack of long-term career planning.

• Avoiding financial responsibility or staying financially dependent on others.

• Preferring escapism (travel, nightlife, instant gratification) over building stability.

4. The Pursuit of Eternal Youth in Gay Culture

Mainstream gay culture often celebrates youth, beauty, and playfulness—which can sometimes reinforce a resistance to aging and responsibility. The pressure to remain young, fit, and carefree can make growing older feel like a loss of identity rather than a natural transition.

Of course, not all gay men fall into these patterns—but many feel the pressure to balance freedom and responsibility in ways that differ from their straight counterparts.

How To Navigate Peter Pan Syndrome With Awareness

1 . Challenge the fear of Vulnerability

Emotional growth requires embracing discomfort—and for many gay men, vulnerability still feels like a risk. If you find yourself avoiding deep connection, ask:

• What am I afraid will happen if I let someone see the real me?

• Am I avoiding emotional closeness out of habit, past trauma, or genuine preference?

• What small steps can I take to become more open in my relationships?

2. Define What Adulthood Means For You

Adulthood doesn’t have to mean heteronormative milestones like marriage, kids, or corporate success—but it does mean taking ownership of your life.

• How do I define maturity and personal responsibility?

• What does a fulfilling life look like for me—beyond external expectations?

3. Set Boundaries With Yourself and Others

If you notice avoidant behaviors in yourself or in partners/friends, practice setting clear and kind boundaries:

• “I want a relationship built on emotional depth, not just fun. If that’s not what you’re looking for, I respect that, but it’s important for me.”

• “I need financial stability in my life. How can I create more structure around that?”

4. Work With a Therapist to Explore Unresolved Trauma

Peter Pan Syndrome is often linked to unprocessed childhood or relational trauma. Therapy—especially approaches like EMDR or psychodynamic work—can help unpack unconscious fears, break avoidance cycles, and build healthier relationships with yourself and others.

Final Thoughts: Growing Up Without Losing Joy

Growth doesn’t mean giving up fun, spontaneity, or freedom. It means learning to balance playfulness with accountability, independence with connection, and self-expression with emotional depth.

If you recognize yourself in any of these patterns, know that change is possible—not by forcing yourself into societal molds, but by redefining what maturity and fulfillment mean for you.

A New Papacy, A New Chance: Three Lessons for the Next Pope from Pope Francis’ Failures to Address Sexual Abuse

With the passing of Pope Francis, the world mourns a leader who brought warmth, humility, and a progressive spirit to one of the oldest institutions on earth. His papacy marked a profound shift in tone for the Catholic Church—one defined by concern for the poor, care for the environment, and outreach to those long marginalized by doctrine or tradition. For many, he was a pope of the people: a shepherd who walked with his flock and reminded the Church of its roots in compassion.

Yet even as we honor the grace and conviction with which he led, one painful and unresolved chapter continues to cast a long shadow over his papacy: the Catholic Church’s ongoing mishandling of the sexual abuse crisis.

Pope Francis did not ignore the crisis. He offered apologies. He met with survivors. He spoke of the need for change. And at times, he challenged the culture of silence that had protected abusers for generations. But for many survivors, the steps he took—though well-meaning—fell short of the transparency, accountability, and systemic reform they so desperately needed.

Now, as the Church prepares to choose a new spiritual leader, it must also confront the moral crossroads it stands upon. To honor Pope Francis’ legacy of compassion, the Church must do what he began but did not finish: face the full truth of its failings and commit to healing and justice.

Here are three essential steps the Church must take in this next chapter:

Center Survivors—Not Institutions

One of the enduring criticisms of Francis’ papacy was the perception that the Church’s reputation often took precedence over the lived experience of those harmed. While some bishops were removed, others remained in positions of power despite credible accusations or evidence of complicity.

True reform begins when survivors are no longer treated as an afterthought. Future leadership must place survivors at the center of its mission—not just in words, but through concrete action. This includes transparent investigations, removing abusers and their protectors, and creating survivor-led forums that uphold dignity, validation, and restorative justice.

Go Beyond Symbolism—Make Truth Public

Pope Francis held private meetings with abuse survivors that were meant to convey personal compassion. But survivors need more than closed-door encounters—they need public acknowledgment, systemic accountability, and visible solidarity from the highest levels of Church leadership.

The next pope must move beyond apology alone. Healing demands tangible steps: opening archives, naming perpetrators, cooperating fully with civil authorities, and offering reparations. Words of sorrow must be matched by acts of courage and transparency.

Take Responsibility—Without Deflection

At times, Francis framed abuse as a tragedy that exists across all institutions, not just the Church. While true, this framing sometimes came across as a deflection—an unwillingness to fully claim the Church’s unique responsibility in fostering a culture of silence and protectionism.

The next chapter of leadership must reject defensiveness and embrace accountability. The Catholic Church’s crisis is not simply a reflection of societal failures; it is a specific betrayal of moral and spiritual trust. Any meaningful path forward must involve dismantling the structures that enabled abuse, embracing external oversight, and recommitting to moral authority through acts—not intentions.

A Call to Courage

Pope Francis leaves behind a legacy rich in humility and hope. He reminded the Church to look outward, to care more, to judge less. But even his most devoted admirers acknowledge that the work of justice for survivors remains painfully incomplete.

Now is not the time to soften the truth or delay the reckoning. It is time to finish the work Pope Francis began, and in some ways struggled to complete. A Church that truly lives out the Gospel must confront its deepest wounds—not with platitudes, but with integrity, transparency, and a fierce commitment to justice.

Survivors have waited long enough.

May this moment be not only one of mourning, but of moral awakening. May the next leader of the Catholic Church carry forward Pope Francis’ heart—but with the resolve to do what is long overdue.

Behind the Performance: Mental Health and the Inner Lives of Gay Men

I spent my lunch hour last Wednesday waiting in a long online queue for tickets to Lady Gaga’s upcoming Mayhem tour. My friends and I were typing furiously in our group chat, tracking our places in line to score presale tickets. My spot? 15,932. Presumably, mostly gay men. Needless to say, I haven’t secured tickets to her Madison Square Garden show—yet.

Ask almost any gay man about his idols, and chances are a few iconic divas top the list: Whitney, Cher, Beyoncé, Gaga. Personally, I have a “prayer candle” with Dolly Parton’s face on it and often refer to her as my patron saint.

But for many of us, the connection runs deeper than pure admiration. These women aren’t just dazzling performers—they’re survivors. Women like Whitney, Britney, and Mariah have shared their vulnerability, addiction, and mental health struggles alongside their fame. There’s something profoundly resonant in that duality: public power, private pain.

And for many gay men, that duality is deeply familiar.

We learn to perform early—sometimes to survive. We become masters of wit, charisma, and presentation. And while these gifts are real, they can also be armor. Beneath the polished exterior, many of us are carrying wounds that remain unspoken: anxiety, shame, trauma, addiction, disordered eating, and loneliness.

What We Don’t Talk About Enough

Despite progress, mental health remains a sensitive topic in our community—especially among men. We may joke about our therapy appointments or casually mention “burnout,” but beneath the memes and punchlines, there’s often deep pain.

Many of us grew up feeling like outsiders, and for some, coming out didn’t make things easier. Family rejection, religious trauma, bullying, and the weight of societal expectations can linger long after we’ve found community. Even in gay spaces, there’s often pressure to be confident, sexy, successful, and put-together. Vulnerability can feel like a liability.

This pressure plays out in different ways. For some, it's anxiety or depression. For others, it shows up as perfectionism, substance use, or body image struggles. Eating disorders and body dysmorphia, for example, affect gay men at disproportionately high rates. While we make up a small portion of the population, up to 42% of those seeking treatment for eating disorders identify as gay or bisexual men.

And yet, many suffer in silence.

Why It’s So Hard to Speak Up

There’s often an unspoken rule among gay men: keep it together. Stay desirable. Be fun, be witty, be strong. Don’t be too much.

But that rule can come at a cost. It can prevent us from being honest about our pain, or from seeking the support we need. And the strategies we use to cope—whether it’s striving for the perfect body, numbing with substances, or throwing ourselves into work or hookup culture—can reinforce isolation rather than relieve it.

It’s time we challenged that rule. It’s time we made space for our full humanity—not just the polished parts.

How to Start the Conversation

If you recognize yourself in this, or you’re worried about someone you care about, here are a few thoughts on how to open up space for real conversation and healing:

1. Respect the Defenses

We all develop strategies to manage pain. Humor, denial, distraction—these defenses often begin as necessary survival tools. For many gay men, they helped us navigate a world that didn’t always welcome us. But those same defenses can make it hard to talk about what’s really going on.

If you're trying to support someone, recognize their defenses for what they are: protective. Don’t try to bulldoze through them. Be patient. Lead with warmth and curiosity, not confrontation.

2. Focus on Connection, Not Perfection

When someone is struggling—whether with body image, anxiety, or something else—it’s tempting to reassure them with compliments. “You look amazing” or “You’re killing it” might seem supportive, but they can unintentionally reinforce the pressure to keep performing.

Instead, speak to their experience. Try something like:
"I've noticed you've seemed a little distant lately, and I just wanted to check in. How are you really doing?"

This kind of emotional attunement creates space for honesty. It says: I see you—not just the version you show the world.

3. Don’t Rush the Fix

Healing isn’t linear. It’s slow, and it often starts with simply being seen. If someone you love is struggling, they may not be ready to seek help right away. Your role isn’t to fix them—it’s to walk beside them. Let them know you’re there. Keep showing up. That quiet consistency can be more powerful than any pep talk.

Reclaiming Our Wholeness

Gay men are resilient—but resilience doesn’t mean we don’t hurt. It means we keep going, often despite pain we haven’t fully named.

Let’s start naming it. Let’s start making room for the parts of our experience that don’t fit neatly into the curated Instagram version of our lives. The loneliness. The shame. The fear. The longing.

Mental health isn’t a niche issue—it’s central to our collective well-being. And when we make space for each other’s full humanity, we begin to reclaim something powerful: not just survival, but the possibility of thriving.

So whether you're the one struggling, or you’re holding space for someone else, remember—you're not alone. Healing happens in connection. And together, we can begin to unmask, unburden, and move toward something softer, truer, and more free.

If this resonates and you're looking for support, I invite you to reach out. I work with gay men in therapy to explore these deeper layers and build lives rooted in authenticity, connection, and self-trust. You can learn more about my approach here, or get in touch to schedule a consultation.

Three Ways Trauma Traps Queer Men—and How to Break Free

Trauma leaves deep and lasting effects, not only on individuals but on entire communities. As gay and queer men, many of us have firsthand experience with the ways trauma weaves itself into our lives—whether through childhood rejection, societal stigma, or the lingering impact of living in a world that hasn’t always welcomed us.

In a previous blog, I discussed the immediate effects of trauma. Here, I want to expand on how trauma creates destructive cycles that can feel impossible to escape. These cycles—self-abuse, financial instability, and generational trauma—reveal the insidious ways trauma perpetuates harm if left unaddressed. By understanding these patterns, we can better appreciate why recovery is so challenging and why community support and systemic intervention are crucial for healing.

1. The Cycle of Self-Abuse

One of the most devastating impacts of trauma is the cycle of self-abuse it can create. Many queer men grow up receiving harmful messages about their worth, desirability, and identity. Whether through outright rejection from family, religious condemnation, or societal bias, these experiences often lead to deeply internalized shame.

For some, that shame manifests as self-destructive behaviors—substance use, risky sex, or toxic relationship patterns. Studies show that gay and bisexual men are disproportionately affected by substance abuse disorders, often using drugs or alcohol as a way to numb emotional pain. Others may struggle with compulsive behaviors, like workaholism or perfectionism, as a way to outrun feelings of unworthiness.

Queer men often internalize the belief that love must be earned through suffering, leading them to accept relationships that reinforce their deepest insecurities. Whether it’s staying in emotionally abusive partnerships or constantly chasing unavailable men, trauma creates a pattern that feels impossible to break. Without intervention, self-abusive thoughts and behaviors can follow survivors for decades, reinforcing the belief that they are unlovable.

2. The Cycle of Financial Instability

Trauma doesn’t just affect our emotions—it has long-term financial consequences as well. Many queer men face economic instability due to discrimination, family rejection, or missed educational opportunities. LGBTQ+ youth make up a disproportionate percentage of the unhoused population, and even as adults, many of us navigate careers in industries that are more accepting but not always financially secure.

Research has found that queer men, particularly those from marginalized racial or socioeconomic backgrounds, are more likely to experience job discrimination and wage disparities. This economic instability is often worsened by the lingering effects of trauma—mental health struggles, substance use, or the need to escape unsupportive environments.

Additionally, the pressure to “prove” our worth through material success can trap many queer men in cycles of overworking and burnout. Hustle culture, combined with deep-seated fears of inadequacy, leads many of us to prioritize financial stability over emotional well-being. But the stress of constantly proving our value can take a toll, leading to anxiety, depression, and further disconnection from ourselves.

3. The Cycle of Generational Trauma

For queer men, generational trauma often takes a unique form. Many of us didn’t grow up with queer elders to guide us, and those who came before us often endured intense trauma without the resources or support to heal. The legacy of the AIDS crisis, conversion therapy, and social rejection still echoes in our community, shaping the way we see ourselves and our relationships.

Trauma is passed down not just biologically, but socially and emotionally. For example, a gay man raised in a homophobic household may learn to suppress his emotions, distrust intimacy, or fear abandonment. Later, he may unconsciously carry those fears into his own relationships, struggling to allow himself to be vulnerable or fully seen.

The effects of generational trauma also show up in the ways we relate to one another. Many of us experience deep-seated fears of rejection and abandonment, leading to patterns of emotional avoidance or self-sabotage. Whether it’s ghosting, pushing people away, or avoiding deep connection altogether, these behaviors are often rooted in the unhealed wounds of past trauma.

Breaking the Cycles of Trauma

Trauma isn’t just a personal struggle—it’s a communal one. As queer men, we don’t heal in isolation. These cycles—self-abuse, financial instability, and generational trauma—can feel overwhelming, but they are not unbreakable. Healing happens in relationships—with ourselves, our partners, our chosen families, and our larger community.

Breaking free from these cycles requires self-compassion, support, and sometimes professional help. Therapy, trauma-informed care, and community healing spaces can all serve as pathways toward reclaiming your life. If you see yourself in these patterns, know that you’re not alone. Trauma may shape our past, but it doesn’t have to define our future.

If you’re looking for support in breaking these cycles, I’m here to help. Reach out to me—I’d love to hear from you. Healing is hard work, but it’s possible. And you don’t have to do it alone.

The Two Emotions Men Are 'Allowed' to Feel — And Why That’s a Problem

Men are often seen as emotionally simple—quick to anger, indifferent to pain, and detached in relationships. But is that really the full story?

In my work as a psychologist, I often hear the same phrase from male clients: "I don’t know." When asked about their emotions, their responses are often limited, not because they don’t feel, but because they’ve been conditioned to suppress everything except for anger and apathy. This emotional restriction isn’t just frustrating—it has serious consequences for men’s mental health, relationships, and overall well-being.

In my latest piece for The Good Men Project, I explore:

• How masculinity has evolved to discourage emotional expression

• The impact of rigid gender roles on men’s ability to connect

• Why emotional stagnation leads to numbness in all areas of life

• How men can reclaim their emotional intelligence and build deeper connections

👉 Read the full article here.

If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What emotions were you taught were “acceptable” growing up? Drop a comment below or connect with me on LinkedIn or Facebook

Three Ways Trauma Affects You

Trauma is often associated with extreme experiences—such as physical or sexual assault, natural disasters, or witnessing violence. However, the reality is that trauma can stem from a wide variety of life events that overwhelm a person's ability to cope. These may include relational issues, grief, bullying, or childhood neglect. The important thing to remember is that everyone can experience trauma, regardless of whether they label an experience as traumatic at the time.

In essence, trauma is a disruption of the body's ability to cope with stress. Trauma doesn’t only arise from catastrophic events; rather, it’s any experience that exceeds a person’s threshold for stress tolerance. Everyone has a unique threshold, which is shaped by factors like genetics, upbringing, and previous life experiences. Therefore, trauma can affect different individuals in varying ways.

In this updated blog, we explore three key ways trauma can affect the brain, body, and relationships. Understanding these effects can help us better appreciate the far-reaching consequences of trauma and how we can work toward healing.

1. Trauma Alters the Brain: Long-Term Effects on Function and Structure

One of the most profound ways trauma impacts a person is by literally changing how the brain works. While we often think of trauma as an emotional or psychological experience, trauma also has direct and lasting effects on brain structure and function.

When a person experiences trauma, the brain goes into "fight or flight" mode, triggering the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. While this response is helpful in life-threatening situations, prolonged or repeated exposure to these hormones can cause long-term damage to brain cells. Research has shown that chronic trauma exposure can shrink critical areas of the brain, such as the hippocampus (responsible for memory) and the prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision-making and emotional regulation). This leads to difficulties with memory, concentration, and emotional processing.

Moreover, trauma can make the brain hypersensitive to future threats. This hypervigilance causes the brain to overreact to stimuli that are not inherently dangerous. For example, someone who has been bitten by a dog may develop a heightened response to all dogs, even if the dog is non-threatening. In the case of trauma, the brain forms an "alarm system" that becomes difficult to turn off, leading to a state of constant anxiety and hyperarousal.

Recent Findings: Neuroimaging studies have confirmed that trauma can alter brain connectivity. For instance, a 2021 study in JAMA Psychiatry found that individuals with PTSD show altered connectivity between the amygdala (which processes emotions like fear) and the prefrontal cortex. This imbalance contributes to heightened emotional responses and difficulty regulating them.

2. Trauma Can Be Passed Down Through Generations: The Role of Epigenetics

Trauma does not only affect the person who directly experiences it—it can also have profound effects on future generations. Emerging research in epigenetics suggests that trauma can be "encoded" in the genetic material and passed down to children and even grandchildren. In simple terms, trauma can alter the way genes are expressed, influencing how future generations respond to stress and adversity.

Trauma impacts the production of short RNA molecules—tiny cellular markers that help regulate gene expression. These molecules can become altered in response to trauma, which then affects how the body and brain respond to stress. These genetic changes can persist across generations, leading to an inherited vulnerability to stress-related disorders.

Recent Findings: A 2023 study published in Nature Neuroscience explored how trauma experiences in one generation can affect the mental health of subsequent generations. Researchers found that offspring of individuals who had experienced childhood trauma showed heightened stress responses and increased anxiety. These effects were linked to changes in gene expression related to the stress response system.

Beyond genetic inheritance, trauma can also be transmitted through learned behaviors and cultural patterns. For instance, a parent who has experienced trauma may unknowingly pass on fear-based behaviors—such as excessive caution, avoidance, or mistrust of others—to their children. These learned responses may lead children to view the world as a dangerous place, even in the absence of direct threat. Psychologist Bessel van der Kolk has described how trauma survivors may unintentionally instill a sense of chronic fear and mistrust in their children through overprotectiveness, anxiety, or emotional withdrawal. Over time, these learned behaviors can significantly shape a child’s worldview and coping mechanisms.

3. Trauma Impairs Relationships: The Challenge of Trust and Intimacy

The social and emotional effects of trauma often spill over into relationships. People who have experienced trauma, especially in childhood, can struggle to form and maintain healthy relationships. This is largely due to disrupted attachment patterns and difficulties in emotional regulation.

Trauma survivors often have trouble trusting others, and they may struggle to express their emotions for fear of being vulnerable or getting hurt. Those with unresolved trauma may develop a heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or abandonment, leading them to either become overly dependent on others or overly avoidant of closeness.

Trauma can also distort how people perceive their social environment, making them hyperaware of potential threats. This can result in either defensive behaviors, like aggression or withdrawal, or submissive behaviors aimed at avoiding conflict. Additionally, emotional regulation can be impaired, leading to outbursts of anger, anxiety, or depressive episodes.

Moving Toward Healing

While trauma can have deep and lasting effects on the brain, body, and relationships, the good news is that healing is possible. Over the past two decades, there has been significant progress in understanding effective treatments for trauma. My personal approach to treat trauma is with a treatment called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). This therapeutic method has been shown to help individuals process traumatic memories and reduce the emotional charge associated with those memories. EMDR is widely endorsed by the American Psychiatric Association and the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs as an effective treatment for PTSD and trauma-related disorders. When combined with a holistic approach that addresses both emotional and physiological symptoms, individuals can regain a sense of safety, stability, and connection to others. If you are struggling with the effects of trauma, seeking professional help is a critical step. Research shows that trauma therapy can significantly reduce symptoms, improve emotional regulation, and restore relationships. By investing in trauma treatment, you’re not only healing yourself but also protecting future generations from inheriting the emotional burden of your past. If you’re ready to take that step, feel free to reach out to me for a free consultation.

Five Signs It Might Be Time to See a Therapist

The idea that therapy is only for people who are severely mentally ill or “crazy” is a persistent misconception. While therapy has become more culturally accepted—even trendy in some circles—stigma still prevents many people from seeking the help they need.

In fact, a 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychiatry found that over 35% of individuals hesitate to seek therapy due to stigma, while another significant percentage worry about being judged by others. These numbers highlight a troubling reality: despite progress in mental health awareness, many still struggle to view therapy as a normal and valuable part of self-care.

Think about it—most of us wouldn’t hesitate to see a doctor for a physical issue that just wouldn’t go away. So why do we second-guess ourselves when it comes to persistent emotional or mental challenges? If you’ve been wondering whether therapy might be right for you, here are five signs it could help:

1. You’re stuck replaying a difficult experience.

We all have moments that linger in our minds, but sometimes an experience can take over—consuming our thoughts, emotions, and even behaviors. When this happens, it’s often because the brain hasn’t fully processed what happened. Instead, it replays the event like a broken record, bringing up all the original emotions every time. This can leave you feeling stuck, stressed, or anxious and can even affect your relationships. Therapy offers a safe space to process these experiences so they don’t control your life.

2. You’re struggling to connect with others.

Meaningful relationships are central to our well-being, but what if you find it hard to connect? Maybe friendships feel out of reach, or you’re unsure why so many past relationships didn’t work out. Feeling disconnected can lead to loneliness, frustration, and even self-doubt. A therapist can help you explore these dynamics, understand your patterns, and build deeper connections with the people around you.

3. Your body is reacting, but your doctor can’t explain why.

The mind and body are deeply connected. Emotional pain can manifest as physical symptoms, and unresolved stress or trauma can take a toll on your health. If you’ve been dealing with unexplained aches, fatigue, or other symptoms and your doctor hasn’t found a clear cause, therapy might be worth exploring. A mental health professional can help uncover underlying emotional factors that might be affecting your body.

4. You’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to help.

Sometimes we convince ourselves we can handle everything on our own. Therapy can feel like a last resort, but the truth is, we all need support at times. As humans, we’re wired for connection. Tackling challenges in isolation can leave us feeling stuck and frustrated, while working with a therapist provides a fresh perspective and tools to move forward. Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a brave step toward growth.

5. Your loved ones are concerned.

The people closest to us often see things we can’t. If friends or family have expressed concern about your well-being, it’s worth taking seriously. One way to build self-awareness is by asking a trusted friend, “How do you experience me?” While it can be an uncomfortable question, the answers can offer valuable insight. If multiple people have encouraged you to consider therapy, it’s likely worth exploring.

Final Thoughts

Therapy isn’t just for people in crisis. It’s a tool for self-discovery, growth, and improving your relationships with others and yourself. If any of these signs resonate with you, it might be time to give therapy a try. Remember, seeking help is a courageous step, and you don’t have to navigate life’s challenges alone.

If you’re curious about how therapy works or want to explore whether it’s the right fit for you, feel free to reach out. I’m here to help you take that first step.

Understanding Grief: Stories, Insights, and the Path to Healing

Grief is a universal yet profoundly personal experience. It can be a quiet ache or an overwhelming wave, a reminder of love lost and a testament to the depth of our connections. Yet, grief doesn’t look the same for everyone. Some people navigate loss with a sense of resilience, finding ways to rebuild and move forward, while others find themselves mired in sorrow, unable to imagine a way out. What causes these differences? How can we support one another through the process of grief? As a psychologist, I’ve explored these questions in depth and have talked to academics who study the grief process. In this post, I wanted to share two compelling stories of grief—one marked by profound tragedy and one illuminated by resilience—and the expert insights of Dr. Robert Neimeyer, a leading researcher in the field of grief. I interviewed him a few years ago on this important topic.

Grief’s Devastating Impact: A Family’s Tragedy

In March 2009, Susanna was a teenager living an ordinary life, sharing dreams and laughter with her best friend, Vicky. That world was shattered when Vicky’s older brother, Jason, a college student, died of alcohol poisoning. Jason’s sudden death sent shockwaves through his family. Vicky became consumed by grief, isolating herself in Jason’s car to listen to his favorite music. Her despair deepened into depression, culminating in an attempt to take her own life, which Susanna narrowly intervened to stop. Tragically, Vicky’s anguish persisted, and she died by suicide months later. Her mother, Mary, overwhelmed by the compounded loss of her children, also ended her life within a year.

Reflecting on these events, Susanna described how the family seemed stuck, unable to imagine life without Jason. They idolized him, but this fixation prevented them from moving forward. As Susanna put it, “There was no progress…no moving on.”

Dr. Neimeyer’s research helps shed light on why some people experience such devastating grief. He explains that grief becomes “complicated” when individuals struggle to find meaning after loss. Without a framework to process the tragedy, grief can become a cycle of pain and hopelessness, as it did for Vicky and Mary.

A Story of Resilience: Finding Strength Amid Loss

In stark contrast, Kellie Haddock’s experience of grief tells a different story. Kellie’s life changed forever when a car accident claimed the life of her husband, AJ, and left their infant son, Eli, fighting for his life. In the immediate aftermath, Kellie was overwhelmed by sorrow and fear. Her son’s prognosis was grim: doctors warned he might never walk, talk, or show emotion. The grief felt unbearable. “I couldn’t physically cry hard enough to express the depth of the pain,” Kellie recalled.

Yet, over time, Kellie began to lean on her faith, family, and friends. She allowed herself to feel the full weight of her emotions, embracing the grief rather than avoiding it. “I knew that as I was allowing myself to feel all that pain and enter into the grief, that was part of the process of healing,” she said. Slowly, she found herself changing. Gratitude began to emerge, and she became determined to honor AJ’s legacy by living a life full of meaning and connection.

A decade later, Kellie undertook a project to thank the medical professionals who saved Eli’s life. She tracked down doctors, nurses, and first responders to express her gratitude, culminating in a celebratory event that honored their efforts. Today, Eli is thriving despite his early prognosis, and Kellie’s story stands as a testament to the power of resilience and meaning-making.

What Shapes Our Experience of Grief?

Why do some people, like Kellie, find a way to heal while others, like Vicky and Mary, become consumed by their grief? According to Dr. Neimeyer, resilience often predates the loss. It’s shaped by factors such as a strong support system, spiritual or philosophical beliefs, and the ability to confront difficult emotions.

“Grief is a form of love,” Dr. Neimeyer explains. “It’s the form that love takes after death.” This perspective reminds us that grief isn’t something to fear or avoid. Instead, it’s a natural expression of the bonds we cherish, a testament to the depth of our love for those we have lost.

The Importance of Meaning-Making

A critical aspect of navigating grief is the process of meaning-making—finding ways to understand and integrate the loss into our lives. This involves asking questions like: How do I move forward? How can my life hold value after such a loss?

For Susanna, meaning came through connection and purpose. She chose to study psychology, driven by a desire to help others who are struggling. For Kellie, meaning emerged through gratitude and a spiritual sense of connection to AJ and Eli. Dr. Neimeyer emphasizes that when people are unable to construct a livable narrative around their loss, they risk becoming stuck in complicated grief, which often involves deep depression and hopelessness.

Grieving Well: A Lifelong Journey

Grieving “well” doesn’t mean getting over a loss or forgetting the person who has passed. Instead, it’s about learning to carry the grief differently over time. Dr. Neimeyer explains, “Grief doesn’t stop, but your timeouts from engaging with it grow longer. Over the years, there will be moments when you’re reminded of your loved one, and you feel their absence keenly. That’s not pathological; it’s simply part of the path.”

Kellie echoes this sentiment. “I don’t think I’ll ever finish grieving. There will always be hard days. But that’s part of grieving in a healthy way.”

Building Resilience Through Connection

One of the most hopeful aspects of grief is its potential to deepen our connections—to others, to our own emotions, and even to the person we have lost. Dr. Neimeyer suggests that finding ways to reconnect with our loved ones in new ways can help us heal. This might involve cherishing memories, honoring their legacy, or feeling their presence in everyday life.

Community support is also crucial. People who have strong relational networks—whether through friends, family, or professional therapy—often navigate grief more effectively. As Kellie’s story illustrates, resilience grows when we allow others to help carry our burdens.

Closing Thoughts

Grief touches every life, but it’s not something we have to face alone. Through connection, meaning-making, and self-compassion, we can navigate its challenges and emerge with a deeper understanding of love and life. Susanna’s and Kellie’s stories remind us that even in the face of profound loss, there is hope for healing and renewal.

If you are grieving, know that it’s okay to seek support—whether from friends, family, or a mental health professional. Grief is not a sign of weakness; it’s a reflection of the love we carry for those who have touched our lives. And in that love, we can find the strength to move forward.

Three Problems with Boundaries

Several years ago, I worked for a student organization where we taught college students basic principles of mental health. One topic that often came up was the importance of personal boundaries.

Everyone has at least a basic understanding of what boundaries are, but what do they really mean? Simply put, boundaries are the personal limits and guidelines we set to protect our emotional, physical, and mental well-being. They define where we end and others begin. Most often, we use boundaries in our closest relationships—with family, friends, and coworkers.

People often recognize the need for boundaries when they feel their voices are not heard or when others are imposing decisions on them. Without boundaries, we can feel controlled, powerless, and resentful.

Why Boundaries Matter

Boundaries are essential because they allow us to maintain a sense of autonomy and integrity. They help us manage the dynamics in relationships, ensuring that they are healthy, reciprocal, and supportive. However, many people struggle to establish boundaries at first, and the reasons for this are varied:

• They prioritize others' needs over their own.

• They lack self-awareness and don't know where to draw the line.

• They don't feel they have the right to set limits.

• They fear that asserting boundaries might harm their relationships.

• They don't know what healthy boundaries actually look like.

While implementing boundaries can be difficult, they are a necessary foundation for healthy relationships. Without boundaries, our lives can become chaotic and unmanageable, often leading to burnout or resentment.

The Dangers of Misunderstanding Boundaries

I’ve seen boundaries taught to students for the first time, and there’s often a moment of realization—a light bulb goes on when they understand that they have the power to set limits and take control of their lives. This can be an empowering feeling. However, just as we can overstep when learning any new skill, I’ve observed students sometimes go overboard when trying to assert their boundaries.

I once witnessed students assert their boundaries in ways that were initially shocking, even though their intentions were good. For example:

• “No, I can’t make that appointment. I want to do something else instead.”

• “No, I don’t want to have a difficult conversation with you about how I hurt your feelings. It’s my decision if I want to have a conversation like that, and I don’t want to.”

• “Sorry, I can’t help you with that event, even though you're overwhelmed. I have other things I want to do.”

At first, I was happy they were learning how to be assertive. But as I observed these interactions, I also became concerned. Many of these students were expressing their boundaries in ways that seemed to undermine meaningful connection. I’ve encountered this in my personal and professional life as well. I’m sure you’ve met individuals who make it difficult to engage with them because of a rigid, self-centered approach to boundaries. These are the kinds of behaviors that can make relationships feel draining rather than enriching.

Healthy Boundaries vs. Self-Centered Boundaries

Boundaries are meant to create a framework for connection—where both parties feel respected, heard, and understood. However, when boundaries are misunderstood or misapplied, they can shift from tools for healthy connection to barriers that block intimacy and growth.

When boundaries are implemented correctly, they typically look like this:

• “I’d love to help with that, but I’m already stretched thin. Please ask me again next time.”

• “I appreciate your concern about my marriage, but it’s something my partner and I are working through privately, and I’m only sharing the details with a few close friends.”

In both examples, the boundaries are set with respect for others’ needs while protecting personal limits. The goal is not to push people away, but to maintain balance—ensuring there’s space for healthy connections, without overextending oneself.

On the other hand, poorly defined boundaries can sound something like this:

• “No, I can’t help with that project. I need my me-time, or I’ll get cranky.”

• “Don’t ask me about my marriage or anything personal. It’s none of your business.”

Here, the boundaries are rooted in self-protection, but also self-absorption. They stem from fear or entitlement, not a desire for healthy self-care or meaningful interaction.

The Three Problems with Incorrectly Defined Boundaries

When boundaries are misapplied, they can create significant problems. Here are three of the most common issues:

1. They Prevent Meaningful Connection

Misunderstood boundaries often prevent real community. People who define boundaries from a place of fear or self-centeredness tend to isolate themselves. For example, they may refuse to share personal details or reject requests for help, all in the name of “privacy” or “self-care,” even when sharing or helping wouldn’t jeopardize their well-being.

True boundaries should foster safety, not separation. Comfort and safety are different. Comfort is about avoiding discomfort, while safety involves healthy, reciprocal interaction that allows us to grow. Healthy community challenges us—it calls us to step out of our comfort zones and embrace vulnerability.

2. They Foster Self-Absorption and Entitlement

When we use boundaries as an excuse to avoid unpleasant tasks or requests, we are misusing them. Boundaries are not about avoiding discomfort; they’re about preserving our emotional health and creating space for meaningful connections. Research shows that helping others, even at our own financial expense, can increase both happiness and the quality of relationships.

If we justify avoidance with the phrase “I’m just asserting my boundaries,” we’re not setting limits to protect ourselves; we’re rationalizing laziness or self-interest. This attitude fosters entitlement and weakens the ability to form real, lasting connections.

3. They Make Us Rigid

Boundaries should not be seen as fixed or immovable. Some people, especially those who’ve experienced manipulative or toxic relationships, believe that boundaries must be rigid to protect themselves. While this mindset is understandable, it can lead to inflexibility.

Healthy boundaries should be flexible, allowing for adjustments as relationships evolve. If you find yourself constantly rigid in your interactions—refusing to bend or compromise with loved ones—it’s a sign that your boundaries may be defined incorrectly. Relationships are dynamic and require a balance of flexibility and consistency to thrive.

Conclusion

Boundaries, when understood and applied correctly, help us connect more meaningfully with others, protect our emotional health, and foster healthy, supportive relationships. However, if we misunderstand their purpose and misuse them, they can create barriers to intimacy, personal growth, and genuine connection.

Take a moment to reflect on how you define and implement boundaries in your own life. Are they helping you build stronger relationships, or are they creating walls that keep others at a distance? Redefine boundaries in a way that enhances your ability to connect deeply with those around you, while still maintaining your autonomy.

Remember: boundaries are tools for connection, not isolation. They should serve your well-being, not hinder your ability to relate to others.

Why New Year’s Resolutions Don’t Work & A Better Approach for 2025

Every January 1st, millions of people make New Year’s resolutions, only to watch them fizzle out by mid-February. We all know that one person who seems to keep their resolution with ease, making you feel guilty when yours slips away. But what if the problem isn’t your willpower, but the way we approach resolutions in the first place?

Here’s the truth: traditional New Year’s resolutions are set up for failure. They tend to be unrealistic, vague, and often lack the structure necessary for long-term success. Sure, starting a new goal with the fresh energy of the New Year sounds appealing, but research shows that without the right approach, we’re almost destined to fall short. Let’s break down why resolutions don’t work and explore a better way to set and achieve meaningful goals.

Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail

1. Unrealistic Expectations

Most people attempt to make drastic changes overnight—like giving up sugar cold turkey or hitting the gym every day after years of inactivity. The brain struggles with these sudden shifts because our habits are deeply ingrained. A 2021 study in Frontiers in Psychology shows that habit change requires more than just willpower; it needs time, motivation, and a clear path. The brain doesn’t immediately “rewire” itself just because a calendar year changes.

Instead of attempting a complete overhaul on January 1st, it’s more effective to break large goals into smaller, manageable steps. Behavioral science shows that success comes from small wins that build over time.

2. Vagueness and Lack of Specificity

Resolutions like "I’m going to be healthier this year" or "I’ll be a better parent" are nice sentiments, but they’re too vague to guide meaningful action. Setting specific, measurable goals is a key factor in success. Without clear objectives, it’s easy to lose focus or simply give up when things get tough.

A vague resolution like “I’m going to be a better parent” doesn’t tell you what that actually looks like. Is it spending more time with your kids? Less screen time? More patience? Pinpoint the what and how if you want to increase your chances of success.

3. The Absence of a Plan

A good idea is not enough to drive change. Without a detailed plan to execute, your resolution will remain a wish. In fact, one of the biggest reasons people fail to follow through is that they don’t set up a practical framework for achieving their goal. Research into behavior change highlights the importance of forming implementation intentions—specific plans for when, where, and how you’ll act. For instance, instead of saying "I want to exercise more," commit to "I’ll walk 30 minutes after work every Tuesday and Thursday."

A Better Approach: Dream, Plan, Act

If traditional resolutions aren’t the answer, what is? Research shows that setting meaningful goals with a foundation of anticipation, planning, and social support is far more effective. Here’s a step-by-step approach to help you make lasting change in 2025:

1. Dream: Build Anticipation

The act of anticipating a goal is more powerful than many people realize. Studies have shown that anticipation itself can significantly boost happiness. For instance, people tend to feel more excitement about an upcoming vacation than about the vacation itself. This is because anticipation primes our brains for positive experiences and reinforces the belief that change is possible.

In this sense, dreaming about your goal is not just a feel-good exercise—it’s an essential first step. Take time to envision the end result of your efforts: Whether it’s a healthier lifestyle, a new career, or improving your relationships, allow yourself to imagine what success looks like. That dream will become the fuel for the rest of your journey.

2. Plan: Create a Roadmap

Once you’ve defined your dream, it’s time to break it down into actionable steps. Goals become more achievable when they are broken into smaller, specific tasks with clear timelines. This is where the power of small wins comes in—set yourself up for success by creating achievable milestones.

But there’s a crucial element that can make your plan even more powerful: flexibility. Research from the University of California, Berkeley, suggests that the most successful people are those who are adaptable, not just rigid in their pursuit of a goal. Life happens—so give yourself the grace to adjust your plan when needed, rather than abandoning it entirely.

3. Involve Others: Share Your Goals

One of the most overlooked factors in achieving goals is social support. A 2019 study in Social Science & Medicine found that people who share their goals with others are more likely to succeed. When you involve friends or family in your journey, you're not only creating accountability, but you're also making the process more enjoyable. Whether it’s working out with a friend or taking a class together, having a partner makes the experience richer and more sustainable.

Furthermore, sharing your goal with others taps into the power of social motivation. Positive feedback and encouragement from your network help reinforce your commitment and increase your chances of success. Plus, studies have shown that people who engage in experiences with others—rather than focusing on material gains—report higher levels of satisfaction and long-term happiness!

Make This Year Different: Dream, Plan, Achieve

This year, skip the usual cycle of fleeting resolutions. Instead, focus on creating a roadmap for long-term change. Start with dreaming big, then set specific, actionable goals with clear steps and timelines. Finally, surround yourself with a supportive community who can help you stay motivated and celebrate your progress along the way.

Remember: the most successful resolutions aren’t just about the end result—they’re about the process. When you make the journey fun, flexible, and shared with others, your chances of success skyrocket. This year, turn your resolutions into a sustainable, fulfilling experience.

So, here’s to making 2025 the year of big dreams and even bigger successes. Happy New Year!

A Case for Giving Thanks—Even When Chaos Surrounds You

Thanksgiving can feel especially brutal during presidential election years, can’t it? Many of us are already bracing for the difficult conversations and emotional tension that seem to come with the territory. It’s easy to get distracted by the anticipation of awkward debates and family drama, but in doing so, we risk losing sight of the true purpose of the holiday. This year, I encourage you to shift your focus away from the chaos and toward something that’s been scientifically proven to boost both your mental and physical health: giving thanks.

Here’s how practicing gratitude can benefit you this holiday season:

1. It Helps You Sleep Better

Let’s be honest—you’ll need all the rest you can get when those family conversations start to get a little... intense. Research shows that practicing gratitude can improve the quality of your sleep, helping you feel more rested and better prepared to handle any holiday stress. So, take a moment to focus on the positives before you head to bed—it could make all the difference for the next day.

2. It Reduces Anxiety and Depression

Multiple studies have found that gratitude is linked to lower levels of anxiety and depression. If you find yourself feeling a bit down around the holidays, practicing gratitude can help you shift your mindset and prevent the seasonal blues from taking over. It’s a simple, but effective tool to help you stay balanced.

3. It Makes You Enjoy Life More

It’s easy to focus on what’s going wrong in life—whether it’s a beat-up car or a to-do list that never ends. But shifting your perspective to focus on the things that are going well can make a world of difference. Taking time to acknowledge the positives in your life helps you savor the moments that matter.

4. It Helps You Age Better

In his book Triumphs of Experience, George Vaillant found that people who age most successfully aren’t the ones obsessing over cholesterol and waistlines—they’re the ones who practice gratitude and forgiveness. So, forget the Botox. You might just find that being thankful has the power to keep you feeling (and looking!) younger. 

5. It Makes You a Better Friend

We all want friends who’ve got our backs. Practicing gratitude has been shown to boost prosocial behaviors, like offering emotional support and helping others. So, when you focus on gratitude, you not only improve your own well-being—you also become a better friend, spouse, and family member.

6. It Strengthens Your Heart

This isn’t just a metaphor. A 1995 study found that practicing gratitude can actually change your heart rate variability, which may help lower blood pressure and reduce the risk of sudden death in patients with heart issues. Gratitude might just be a secret weapon for your heart health.

7. It Makes You More Resilient

Gratitude can help you respond to criticism and challenges with greater resilience. People who regularly practice gratitude are better equipped to handle negative comments without taking them personally or reacting impulsively. So, when difficult or unsolicited opinions come your way this Thanksgiving, you may find yourself able to respond with more patience and composure.

You might be thinking: “But I’m just not the gratitude type. It’s hard for me to feel thankful, especially with the family dynamics I’ve got going on.” I get it. But gratitude is a habit that anyone can develop. Start small. Write down a few things you’re grateful for each week and share that list with a friend or loved one. The more you practice, the easier it gets.

Another great way to introduce gratitude into your life is by borrowing from the Japanese Naikan tradition of meditation. It encourages you to reflect on three simple questions:

• What have I received from __________?

• What have I given to __________?

• What troubles or difficulties have I caused __________?

These questions help you reflect on your relationships—especially the difficult ones—and understand your role in shaping the dynamics. They offer a more balanced view of how we interact with others, helping us cultivate empathy and gratitude.

At the end of the day, giving thanks is a choice. You can choose to focus on the chaos, the discomfort, or the things that irritate you. Or, you can choose to focus on gratitude. The science is clear: gratitude can make you healthier, happier, and more resilient. So, why not give it a try this Thanksgiving?

And hey, even if your family drives you nuts, remember: it could always be worse. Always.

Now, I’d love to hear from you—what are you grateful for this Thanksgiving?

Supporting the Mental Health of Trans People: A Call for Change

On Trans Day of Remembrance (TDOR), observed annually on November 20, we pause to honor the lives of transgender individuals lost to violence, discrimination, and systemic neglect. This solemn day is not just a moment to reflect on the past but also an opportunity to confront the urgent need for societal change. It calls us to create a world where trans lives are not only remembered but valued and supported.

Mental health is a crucial part of this conversation. Many transgender individuals face overwhelming mental health challenges, including anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation, driven by stigma, discrimination, and barriers to accessing affirming care. As we mourn those we have lost, we must also advocate for the living—shining a light on the systemic issues that prevent trans people from receiving the compassionate mental health care they deserve.

This blog is a call to action for allies, providers, and advocates. By educating ourselves, dismantling harmful barriers, and fostering inclusive care, we can ensure that trans individuals are not only remembered on days like TDOR but are empowered to heal, thrive, and live full, authentic lives.

“I can’t help but wonder how my life might have been different... if anyone who saw me during treatment had recognized my gender dysphoria and shown me ways to address it without harming my body.”
—Anonymous person, reflecting on their mental health treatment experience.

This poignant quote encapsulates the immense challenges trans individuals face in seeking adequate mental health care. Entering treatment is daunting for anyone, but trans people often encounter additional barriers:

• Will these providers have experience working with trans individuals?

• Will my gender identity be blamed for my mental health challenges?

• Will they respect my pronouns and gender identity?

• What if I face discrimination or bullying during treatment?

Sadly, these concerns are not unwarranted. Studies show that one-third of trans individuals delay or avoid seeking healthcare altogether, fearing mistreatment or judgment. In fact, the trans community has long struggled to access equitable and informed care:

• Trans individuals are four times more likely to live in poverty and are less likely to have health insurance.

• Many medical schools devote fewer than five hours to LGBTQ+ health education—some provide none at all.

• Around half of trans patients report needing to educate their doctors on trans-specific health issues.

• Over 70% of trans people have experienced discrimination in healthcare settings.

The hashtag #TransHealthFail illustrates these issues, allowing trans people to share their experiences of inadequate or harmful care. Here are a few recent examples:

• “I went to the ER for a broken wrist. They spent more time questioning my gender than addressing my injury.”

• “My doctor insisted on a pregnancy test before treating my sprained ankle, even after I explained I’m a trans man without a uterus.”

• “They refused to call me by my name until I legally changed it, despite it being in my chart.”

These posts highlight the need for systemic change in healthcare to better serve the trans community.

Addressing the Unique Challenges of Trans Mental Health

Trans individuals often face unique stressors contributing to mental health struggles, such as societal stigma, dysphoria, and discrimination. Research shows that trans people are disproportionately affected by anxiety, depression, and suicidality compared to the general population. It's vital that providers recognize and respect the complex relationship between a trans person's mental health and their lived experience.

For instance, gender dysphoria might manifest differently across individuals. Some might attempt to suppress physical characteristics they associate with their birth-assigned gender, while others might struggle with body-related distress rooted in societal pressures. In all cases, affirming care and culturally competent support are crucial for effective treatment.

What Can We Do?

If you’re a friend or ally of a trans person struggling with mental health issues:

• Use the correct pronouns and apologize sincerely if you make a mistake.

• Be patient, listen actively, and acknowledge their experiences without judgment.

• Encourage them to seek help from affirming providers while offering emotional support.

If you’re a provider:

• Educate yourself on trans-specific health issues so your patients don’t have to educate you.

• Recognize that mental health struggles are not caused by a person’s gender identity but by societal and systemic barriers they face.

• Create an inclusive, affirming environment for all patients, regardless of their gender identity.

By addressing the gaps in healthcare and mental health services for trans individuals, we can reduce barriers to treatment and help more people access the care they need. Trans people deserve affirming, respectful care—like all of us.